Weinberg Senior Unearths Massive Northwestern Conspiracy
EVANSTON – The “Nothing Happened” Rock is an inconspicuous pinkish rock near Annie May Swift Hall that decrees that “On this site in 1897 Nothing Happened.” The mysterious and perplexing rock has captured the attention of Weinberg senior Andy Atkins, an anthropology and geology double major, who has been studying the rock for three years. Atkins believes that the rock covers a secret entrance to Northwestern’s underground society, Deru.
“I never trusted that shady group,” said Atkins, “and when I noticed how some of their alleged members seem overly protective of that rock, I knew something was up.”
He adds, “The rock would be a perfect place for a secret entrance because of its location in relation to the steam tunnels that run beneath the entire campus. The Deru must use the rock to enter their secret underground meeting place to discuss their diabolical plans.”
However, Atkins has experienced difficulty in finding more information about the rock’s connection to Deru. “Every time I think I encounter a clue about the rock, the information is blacked out, deleted, removed. Books that I thought would contain information suddenly disappear from the library. And sometimes, when I go back to my dorm, I find it’s been ransacked and discover threatening messages from Willie the Wildcat.”
“This cover-up goes to the top. Schapiro, Bienen, and all the previous presidents who were all supposed members of Deru have gone to great lengths to hide this information from the public. I feel it is my responsibility to expose the truth about that rock.”
Atkins continued, “This truth involves the University endowment, athletics, academics, and music, and the truth is that ██████████████████████████████████████████.”
“████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. ██████████████████ ███████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████,” Atkins said. “And then the eggs █████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████.”
“In conclusion, Deru ████████████████████████████████████ bottles ████████████████████████████████████ five hundred ██████████████████.”
Parts of this article have been redacted by the Office of the President. President Schapiro has also released a statement disavowing censorship in all university publications, except when ████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████.