Willie the Wildcat Gains Freshman 15, Says “It’s All fur”

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EVANSTON — Northwestern bloggers took to their Macbooks this week after photos of a noticeably fluffier Willie the Wildcat began circulating after Tuesday night’s marching band practice. While NU’s favorite feline denies he’s gained even a little bit of the freshman 15 during his 79th year at college, sorority member Katie VanHousen of Neva Eta Bagela recently tweeted one of the now infamous photos with the hashtags “#ewwwww,” “#SOGROSS,” and “#totalfatty!”

“It’s just FUR!” the embarrassed mascot meowed to a crowd of Lululemon-clad Freshman girls looking on as his right paw became lodged in the SPAC candy bar vending machine dispenser. He reportedly then hissed before running into the men’s locker room, where McCormick Sophomore Chad Buckholm, who had just finished a set of “some mad reps” in front of aforementioned Freshman girls, says he changed in a bathroom stall.

In a private interview, members of the marching band’s drumline not only confirmed Willie’s weight gain rumors, but also said that his unhealthy relationship with kibble isn’t new. “Last football season, it used to be he’d just want to eat a mouse when we won,” said Junior snare player Richie Harris, “but, you know, we, like, didn’t win that much.” Basketball season was also a little rough on Willie. “He just really wanted us to go to the tournament,” Harris continued. “After the Ohio State game, I saw him catch and snarf a whole squirrel in one bite.” In a daze, the feline looked up and said he was imagining it was a golden gopher. “I think he wanted to go back to the Minnesota win, when he was happier.”

Friends of the increasingly unstable mascot say that this fall was the first time they became truly concerned for Willie’s welfare, however. “I think the winning spotlight was a lot more pressure than he expected,” junior flautist Tammy O’Neil told The Flipside. “We were watching the ESPN highlights of the Boston College game, and he was all like, purring and whatever. Then they showed him next to the golden eagle, and he was like, OMG my forelegs look HUGE, and tried to hide under the sofa. We got him to come out later with some Friskies treats though.”

Drum major Billy Martins said Willie’s tipping point, however, was definitely the Penn State loss. “I saw him throwing out an entire case of PurinaOne Chicken and Rice wet food cans in the Bobb trash room Saturday night. I told him to pull it together — he’s supposed to be a wild animal.” Nevertheless, Martins conceded that the mascot’s binge may have been rooted in more than the disappointment of the Wildcat’s first loss of the season. “I guess I did see him go in to the Penn State locker room after the game, and who the fuck knows what goes on in there.”

Meanwhile, Northwestern’s backup mascot, Stephen the ColBear, has reportedly been seen following a strict high-protein diet in the Sargent Dining Hall and “toning his haunches” in several ZUMBA classes at SPAC.

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