Daily Northwestern Forced to Lay Off Slave Drivers after Losing Advertisers
EVANSTON — A long-standing tradition of excellence and diligence took a huge hit last week when The Daily Northwestern laid off all of their slave drivers in light of recent reductions in their advertising revenue.
“Yeah, we saw that we were in the hole, we figured our only option was to slash all these Eastern Europeans we have running around here,” said Alex Harrison, editor-in-chief. “But I sure will miss the pained moans of all our beat reporters as those whips flayed their backs.”
The Daily first devised the idea of physically encouraging their staff back in the 1990s, when they began to use canes and rulers to beat “anyone who just pissed off the boss, really.” The idea evolved into using full-time “personal motivators” in 1999. Since the recruitment of former Soviet militants, the publication has seen a massive spike in its success.
“When Gortag and Drahgo came on board, the quality of labor around here went through the roof. Everyone just shut up and did their work; it was great,” said managing editor Jack Thompson. “I mean, sometimes the sobbing wore you down, but at least we managed to cut down on all that goddamn chatter.”
“I hate fun,” Thompson added.
Notified of their looming termination, the gargantuan behemoths have been looking to get their last licks any way they can.
Staff writer Keith Rendrick, after nervously looking over both shoulders to see if the coast was clear, whispered to reporters that, “They’ve been way more aggressive lately; two people are tied to the whipping posts every hour. They call it a team-building activity.” Before Rendrick could say any more, two broad strokes from Chief Motivator Drahgo’s whip had fallen across his back, reducing the adult male to muffled cries of pain as he fought to control the sobs racking his body. Wiping his nose, he explained, “Crying [at The Daily] is a sign of weakness. You get 36 hours in the dungeon for that.”
When approached for confirmation of this claim, Harrison simply said, “Don’t worry about it. Keith’s always been a little bitch.” The editor-in-chief, considered to be a model of journalistic integrity, then snapped his fingers at the slave-drivers and called for “Extra lashings all around, we need to stamp out all this pussy-talk.”
Despite worries that the quality of The Daily Northwestern will dip with the departure of the slave drivers, the staff remains confident that the memories of their presence will continue to inspire for years to come. “I certainly won’t forget them,” said Rendrick. “The doctor says the scars on my back are pretty much permanent.”