Police Arrest ‘78 Alumna for “Tryna Get Shwasty” at Homecoming

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EVANSTON — Eileen Schneider, WCAS ’78, was arrested this weekend for belligerent behavior and public indecency during a homecoming event on Deering Meadow, according to new reports from the Evanston Police Department. She had been yelling obscenities across the meadow and flashing gentlemen coming in and out of Kellogg. Schneider was stunned by her arrest and by the harsh campus rules that have “poisoned this university.”

“I was just tryna get a little shwasty up on Sheridan,” Schneider said as she was escorted into a police car Saturday night. “Is that a crime? In the seventies it sure wasn’t, but now, I don’t even know.”

Schneider’s friends said that the incident did not come as a surprise. “Eileen’s always been a wild one,” Barbara Wolff, WCAS ’77, said. “But once she picked up that Classics degree, we thought she would sober up.”

“I mean, she works in a library,” Wolff whispered.

Schneider herself said that she viewed homecoming weekend as a chance for her to let loose, and, if she was lucky, to “pick up numbers beyond the Dewey Decimal System.”

“If homecoming weekend wasn’t about passing out next to a Tappa Keg brother with a joint in one hand and a bottle-opener in the other, then I honestly don’t know what it’s for,” she said. “It’s all about the ‘YOLO,’ as the kiddies say these days.”

Schneider’s daughter, Communications sophomore Amanda Schneider, said she was mortified when she received word of the arrest. “You never expect for the obnoxious drunk bitch that everyone’s talking about to be your mom,” she said.

“Once I heard, I immediately canceled our reservation at Le Peep for the next morning… I just couldn’t look at her the same way,” Schneider’s daughter added.

Schneider, however, appeared relatively unfazed by the arrest. “Would I take it back? By no means,” she said. “If I can’t spend my alumni weekend topless and wasted in the Evanston police department, then I want my tuition money back.”

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