Candidates Agree To Scrap Electoral College for Dick Measuring Contest
WASHINGTON — Despite a year of campaigning, with Election Day here, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have decided to settle who will win the Presidency the way real men do: a cock-off.
While usually a means of settling bar bets, dick measuring is not foreign to the political sphere. In fact, cock fighting was used to determine the winner in a hotly contested battle for Congress in the 19th Century, in what historians now refer to as the Cumgressional Race of ’69. Jimmy Stiff, a political scientist at Stanford University, says that this precedent makes this circumcision of the Electoral College entirely constitutional.
According to Romney’s campaign manager Hugh G. Johnson, Romney suggested the challenge to show that “he has the balls needed to lead this country.” In accepting the challenge, President Obama’s main surrogate Richard Long said, “President Obama has shown time and time again that he will whip out whatever it takes to win and that he is willing to take the hard line when necessary.”
Voters have greeted the news with open arms. Ex-voter Willie Wood declared, “I was just tired of the constant bickering on both sides. It really started to chafe at me how negative this campaign was getting.” Added female voter Regina Nodzik, “At least now the candidates have dropped all pretense… along with their trousers. It’s not like they paid much attention to women before they decided to switch to dick measuring. Besides, this new election method bodes well for Hillary in 2016, provided Bill is allowed to stand in for her.”
Despite the excitement from both camps and voters alike, Romney supporter John Sununu is a little worried. He observed, “Look at Barack Obama, you would have to say he is the favorite.” When asked to clarify, Sununu stammered, “I just meant if you look at Obama’s…shoe size, yes, shoe size is what I was thinking about, he clearly has the advantage there and you know what often comes with that… um, large socks.”