Study: 70 Percent of Off-Campus Fraternity Members Malnourished

Ramennoodles

EVANSTON — One anthropologist and one Greek professor announced Tuesday that a four-year study shockingly revealed that 70 percent of off-campus fraternity members were severely malnourished. Their vitamin intake compared closely with the average citizen of Zambia, according to the study.

“We had no idea it was this bad,” said anthropology professor Ben Harris. “It was as if they had not learned anything about caring for themselves since exiting the womb.”

According to the study, most subjects, around noon and again at six p.m., shouted seemingly ethnic names of individuals not living in their off campus residences. Research by Harris and his colleague Jason Domash uncovered that these names were some combination of their parents and fraternity chefs or pledges.

The study showed some subjects to be at particularly high risk. Those with a broken microwave, for instance, were ten times more likely to be malnourished.

“Malnutrition is no longer someone else’s problem,” Domash said. “It’s happening right here on our campus and if we don’t do something about it, these people are not going to make it out there.”

“And we’re pretty sure that would be a bad thing,” he added.

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