Bears Hire Canadian as Head Coach in Hopes of Missing Playoffs

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CHICAGO — A recent change in head coach is the Chicago Bears’ latest step in their journey to become NFL Draft Champions for the fourth consecutive year. Instead of hiring a proven and successful NFL coach like Joe Gibbs or even an extremely successful college football coach like Nick Saban, the Bears decided to change things up by going for a coach from the Mexico of the North, Marc Trestman, head coach of the Montreal Alouettes.

When he was introduced to the team and the public, Trestman approached the position with unbridled enthusiasm. He blatantly lied to the public, however, when he said he was “excited to work with Jay Cutler.” When the Bears front office was asked about this coaching selection, staffers said, “Let’s be real, our defense is aging worse than Val Kilmer and the offensive line might as well be non-existent, so we thought we might as well cut costs where we can since this coach is taking his entire salary in the Canadian national currency of Monopoly money.”

Packers and Vikings fans rejoiced at this announcement, saying they were ecstatic that the division got even easier. “Usually we have to wait for the Bears to start off well and then self-destruct later in the season but they just really cut to the chase here,” said John Melbourne of Appleton, Wisconsin.

Drunk Chicagoans were asked about the new hire and simply said, “Goddamn it, at least Rose is coming back soon.” Other new coaches who were considered included Benny the Bull, Michelle Obama, and the re-hiring of Lovie Smith with a card that says “Baby, I was wrong.”

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