NRA Lobbyist Forced to Undergo Background Check Before Purchasing Congressman
WASHINGTON –- NRA lobbyist Jack O’Neal fumed yesterday upon learning that he would be forced to undergo an extensive background check and 5-day waiting period before purchasing a new Congressman. O’Neal, an avid collector of US representatives, claims to have purchased eight senators in the past, and proudly boasts that not a single one has been registered with the proper authorities.
“I fuckin’ knew it!” O’Neal reportedly ranted to anyone in earshot. “I knew Obama was comin’ for my senators! I knew we couldn’t trust that commie!”
O’Neal’s critics generally attempt to paint the father-of-three as a deranged lunatic, whose desire to own as many politicians as possible is merely the result of an ingrained savior complex and militaristic fantasies that could possibly place his loved ones in danger, but close friends vehemently disagree.
“No one’s more responsible with his senators than O’Neal,” neighbor Roger Walsh vouched. “He’s taught the kids that a US representative should always be treated as a tool, and not one to be taken lightly. You wanna talk lunatics? Lemme tell you about [Philip Morris cigarette lobbyist] Phil [Lehane]. That guy’s up on Capitol Hill every weekend, brandishing his senators at the slightest provocation.”
“If he’s not careful with his legislation, he’s going to turn one of those representatives into a murder weapon.”
Although he eventually passed the background check, enabling him to legally own Congressman Donald Smith (R-DE), O’Neal has continued to complain as a matter of principle.
“This country was founded on certain rights,” O’Neal seethed during a CNN interview, “and foremost among them was for any man, woman, or child (as long as they have the necessary financial resources), to legally own a US lawmaker. I don’t want to hear about waiting periods, and I don’t want to hear about exceptions. I’m talking about what’s in the Constitution!”
In related news, a new measure aimed at restricting the sale of automatic weapons to the mentally ill was struck down by 84% of the Senate.