Ray Lewis Reveals True Identity as Transformer, Kaepernick Only 49er Survivor
NEW ORLEANS, LA — Super Bowl XLVII ended in terror when Ray Lewis transformed into a weird robot thing with laser-vision-death-Rays and wreaked havoc among the San Francisco 49ers.
In the middle of the third quarter, with the Ravens down 34-7, Lewis stood up before the snap on a third-and-long, roared loudly, and revealed his true identity, Maximus Ray. According to eye-witness reports, Lewis’s helmet melded with his body, his brace for his torn triceps turned into a laser-gun, and the middle linebacker increased to twenty times his normal size.
The one-hundred-twenty-foot behemoth then proceeded to squash the 49ers’ offense with his massive feet before picking up 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh and biting off his head. “No, Maximus Ray, no!” yelled Ravens head coach, and Jim’s brother, John Harbaugh. “You promised me!”
However, Maximus Ray failed to notice that the ball had been snapped to 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick prior to the start of his death-stomp. Fleeing Ray’s rampage, Kaepernick sprinted for his life toward the Ravens endzone—eluding the entire Ravens defense in addition to Maximus Ray—and scored his third rushing touchdown of the day.
Maximus Ray then shot lasers out of his eyes toward Kaepernick, but the second-year quarterback took cover in the 49ers’ locker room and, taking a knee, prayed, “Please save me, Tim Tebow.”
Turning his fury toward the 49ers’ sideline, Maximus Ray used his superhuman strength and speed to slaughter the burly, padded football players like a herd of sheep surrounded by machine gunners in World-War-I-style trench warfare.
With the remaining 49ers all dead, Lewis did his famous pre-game dance and untransformed back into his human state. Lewis explained in the post-game press conference, “People have been saying I’m slower and weaker this year, that I don’t inspire the same feeling of terror in the offensive line. And they’re right. So, and I’m ashamed to admit it, I used a banned substance to become Maximus Ray.”
Coach John Harbaugh told reporters that the banned substance in question was deer-antler spray.
Ravens head coach John Harbaugh added that he was disappointed that the efforts of Maximus Ray were not able to turn Super Bowl XLVII in the team’s favor; the Ravens lost to the 49ers 40-7. Harbaugh blamed the Decepticons in a comment that made exactly as much sense as a Michael Bay plot line.