Athletes Find New Performance-Enhancing Drugs From Unlikely Sources

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AUBURN, AL — College and professional athletes alike are facing criticism for using deer antler spray to enhance their performance. Football players at big-time SEC schools in particular have allegedly bought and used deer antler spray despite it being considered a performance-enhancing drug. True, it sounds a bit crazy, but down south football is everything! A special Flipside investigation has unearthed the next groundbreaking PEDs that athletes will abuse.

1. Injecting Elephant Tranquilizer Fluid
The tranquilizer fluid will be taken in small doses, and it will numb the entire body, allowing players to play through any pain. It’s been tested on a number of subjects, and preliminary reports indicate that a player can play a whole half without an ACL in their knee.

2. Eating Wolf Balls
As unorthodox as it might seem, eating wolf balls was all the rage back in the day before embarking on a hunt. It gives a player that killer instinct they need to hunt down their prey, whether in the forest or on the field.

3. Transfusing Rabies-Infected Blood
According to the Flipside’s report: “I mean, it’s rabies. C’mon y’all, injecting yourself with the blood of a rabid squirrel will give you that edge you need before a game. Not everyone does rabies, but champions do. Roll Tide Roll.”

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