University Shuttles to Run Only When You’re Not There

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EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when you’re not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon.

“Part of this new policy comes from the extra snow we’ve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,” said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. “But it’s mostly to build character.”

Colhoff said you’ll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather on iced sidewalks will do wonders for your perseverance. “Plus, it will give you something to one-up your kids with later in life,” he added.

“Over the next two months, using your NU Shuttle iPhone application or referencing the online shuttle schedule PDFs will be completely useless,” Transportation Services Director Silvia Demaris said. Shuttle drivers have been instructed to arrive at any time other than the one you’re most likely to expect.

“Ideally, they’re supposed to show up 45 seconds after you’ve decided you’ve wasted enough time standing in the cold and decide to leave,” Demaris said.

Students like you are equally upset by the decision. “I try so hard to time it just right,” RTVF freshman Cynthia Lee said, her teeth chattering while her mittens struggle to keep hold of her tripod. “I just feel like I’m waiting forever.”

The feeling that you’re “waiting forever” for the shuttle is exacerbated by the University’s successful efforts to slow down time while you’re at any of the Campus or Evanston Loop shuttle stops, as well as by the fact that you have the worst luck of anybody.

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