10 Things We Learned From the Oscars

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Too busy studying for DTC to understand why RTVF majors have their panties in a bunch (“Depaul and Colombia? Seriously?”) or why Hugh Jackman would even attempt to follow up Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jennifer Hudson? No worries, here’s the Oscars run-down:

  1. Even if you are nominated for an Academy Award, even your characters are named something ridiculous like Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi or after a shampoo brand (what up, Pantene), do not decide what to wear three hours before the Oscars. Two tragically misplaced seams ARE JUST TOO DISTRACTING.
  2. Seth McFarlane can’t stop being Seth McFarlane. In all honesty, who wasn’t expecting a song about boobs, a John Wilkes Booth shout out, and a racist sock puppet show?
  3. Quvenzhané Wallis made puppy purses cool again and all of our second grade school selves rejoiced.
  4. George Clooney (aka sexy Santa beard) was like a senior at The Keg drinking to hide the realization he should have stopped coming here two years ago.
  5. Apparently, no one cares enough about sound editing to actually count the votes, and when a tie means less time for acceptance speeches, it’s perfectly ok to use the soundtrack of Jaws to kick the winners off stage.
  6. If you’re Halle Berry, it’s acceptable to say “pussy” on national television. If you’re Kristen Stewart, it’s probably not acceptable to limp on stage and mumble like a cokehead.
  7. Award-winning directors who say “peace out” should receive the Oscar for Cockiest Suburban Dad.
  8. Falling after winning Best Actress can make you perfect in every way. Also, Sherman Ave can’t keep it in their pants.
  9. Michelle Obama can make absolutely anything about the kids just by wearing sequins and showing up half of Hollywood.
  10. When the Academy decides that you’re not cool enough to be nominated for Best Director, just win Best Picture instead.

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