Rides in Planned Abbottabad Amusement Park Include “Dick Cheney’s Water Board Adventure”

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ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN — The world was stunned last week when the Pakistani government announced its plans to fund a $30 million amusement park in the small military town where Osama Bin Laden was killed. Yesterday, the Pakistani Department of the Interior released more details about the park, including the park’s main attractions, which are printed below:

Osama’s Fun Compound – Combining elements of both carnival fun houses and Halloween haunted houses, visitors will be able to explore a reconstructed version of Bin Laden’s compound. The attraction will feature an animatronic Bin Laden popping up in various rooms, yelling, “I have returned!”

Six Seal Water Show – Visitors will be able to attend a water show featuring a highly skilled team of six seals. After years of rigorous training, these animals will fly helicopters and demonstrate their marksmanship.

Drone Drop Slide – American donors funded this ride, in which park visitors will wear virtual reality goggles that simulate the experience of going down a large slide. Halfway down the slide, the slide turns into an airplane, and riders can conduct surveillance or drop bombs on the Pakistani countryside.

72-Virgin-Merry-Go-Round – This attraction is promised to play on all the various meanings of “ride.”

Hide-in-Plain-Sight-and-Seek – Designed for children, this area of the park is filled with stuffed animals, toys, and play equipment. Meanwhile, parents will stand just a few yards away from the children, supposedly looking for them but failing to see them.

Stone the Adulterer – In this carnival game, visitors can exact holy justice by stoning to death a local adulterer. After the bloody corpse is tossed aside, the successful participant wins a bear.

Shoe Throwing – Another carnival game, this attraction gives prizes to players who can throw their shoes at the heads of various world leaders.

Details have not yet been released about several other rides, including the Tower of Terror and Dick Cheney’s Water Board Adventure.

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