NU to Promote Diversity on CAESAR, Change System’s Name to “SACAGAWEA”

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EVANSTON — After considering the exorbitant amount of time each Northwestern student spends on CAESAR attempting to register for classes every quarter, administrators at Northwestern thought the online portal would be the perfect place to continue their push for campus diversity. Northwestern officials have not yet provided any specific plans about how they will make CAESAR more diverse, so The Flipside has constructed a list of suggestions on how to proceed.

1. Rename CAESAR “SACAGAWEA” – Trust us, there are already more than enough things at Northwestern named after dead white guys with questionable character content. Renaming the “Computer Assisted Electronic Student Access Route” to “Students Accessing Computers Assisted Greatly And With Everyone Alive” sends a message of diversity and is appropriately confusing.

2. Diversification of login methods – Instead of asking students for only their netID, login should vary randomly between student ID number, email address, and asking the street of the user’s first house and pet’s name, a.k.a. stripper name. Then, just prior to actually registering, SACAGAWEA will ensure students are really ready by asking them to log in again, in case they wanted to change their identity mid-stream.

3. More shopping options – Students should be given the option to put their classes in their shopping cart, in a shopping basket, or just carrying them around in their hand because they only really need a few things.

4. Updated color scheme – If there is any color you see enough of around campus, it’s white…and purple. By changing the SACAGAWEA color scheme to something more unique, Northwestern students will be assured that their university values all HTML color codes.

5. More realistic class status options – The status of class enrollment should better reflect the diverse reality of registration, with labels like “Open, like you’d ever take this class,” “Open, but with your registration time you’ll never get the last seat,” “Waitlist, don’t hold your breath,” and “Closed, so very closed.”

6. Offering classes at times other than 11AM Tuesday and Thursday – But really, this is an actual suggestion.

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