Bayer Resumes Production of Zyklon B
LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials.
Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call:
“Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have led us to conclude that the only way to remain competitive amidst a slowing global economy is to resume production of one of our historically best-selling products. Although some backlash from the environmental community is to be expected, we hasten to remind all critics that when used correctly, Zyklon B does not produce any long-term side effects.”
“Don’t lump us in with those dicks at Monsanto, with their Agent Orange cancer and birth defects epidemic.”
Bayer shares immediately rose following the news, ending the day almost 8% higher thanks to rumors that the entire first-run supply had already been completely bought out by representatives of Bashir al-Assad and Kim Jong-Un’s governments. North Korean prison camp administrators gushed to Chinese state-run media about their excitement at being equipped with the same gas that Bayer’s parent company IG Farben once provided to German concentration camps.
“We are forever indebted to our wondrous partners at Bayer,” General Yoon Gyeong wrote. “The re-education of those opposed to Dear Leader is so much less tiring with the aid of German efficiency. Before this glorious date we were limited to mere shovels and pick-axes, and my biceps would ache after the 50th re-education of the day.”
Refusing to be outdone, rival biotech firm Monsanto made its own controversial announcement hours later. The industry titan’s shares hit record highs after an executive VP shared plans to cut out the middle man and just rebrand as a paramilitary death squad.