NU Students “Just Have Too Much Going on Right Now” to Riot

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EVANSTON — Northwestern students took to the streets on Thursday after hearing that “Dillo Day,” a cherished drinking and musical school tradition, had been canceled by the City of Evanston. Evanston officials cited the celebration’s notorious reputation for “buffoonery, hooliganism, and excessive levels of smiling,” and added that “New Brunswick had done basically the same thing at Rutgers,” and they certainly weren’t “going to let New Jersey be more civilized.”

“OMG Evanston cancelled Dillo?!? Let’s riot! #tisdahlsucks #takebackdillo” tweeted Weinberg sophomore Maggie Colter. Within minutes, Colter was trending and over 400 students had abandoned their study carrels to congregate on Sheridan Road to begin rioting.

Observers noted, however, that the assembled students seemed largely unaware of what rioting actually entailed. “Somebody suggested lighting a chair on fire, but nobody seemed to want to be the one to actually light the thing on fire,” recalled Medill sophomore Virginia Wolfram. “I mean, I definitely wasn’t going to. Condé Nast has a really strong HR department and I am not going to lose my internship over Dillo Day,”

Even freshmen, whom one might expect to be less concerned about job and internship prospects, appeared very reluctant to participate. “It’s just that tour guide applications are due in two days and honestly, it’s competitive. They are literally looking for a reason to cut you, so being known as the guy who got maced by a cop for yelling in his face would definitely hurt my chances,” commented freshman Sam Donahue.

The riot concluded after one brave soul, James Sheeth, approached the riot squad that Evanston had deployed to handle the situation. Sheeth allegedly approached the officers and told them to “go away and stop making Dillo Day not a thing,” at which point he was quickly handcuffed and arrested on charges of “devil worshipping.”

Although Sheeth’s pre-law roommate advised him not to comment, Sheeth did tell The Flipside that he was concerned his arrest might impact his chances getting a position at the South Australian Alliance for Acceptance (SAAA). “It’s more competitive than you would think.”

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