PSA: Animals More Savage Than Annoying Drunk People

AmericanBeaver

As a reminder that there are indeed a few creatures more primal than a Tappa Tappa Keg brother 15 shots deep into his senior year Dillo Day, The Flipside‘s investigative team has compiled reports of animals from around the world too savage for even the mud-soaked mosh pit during Wiz Khalifa’s set.

The Belarusian Beaver

If you think you were ravaged by the 10/200 you received on your last Orgo midterm, think again. On Wednesday, May 29th, 2013, a fisherman in Belarus became the most recent fatality of a beaver attack. The man reportedly spotted the normally cute, loveable mammal while driving with a few friends to Minsk, the country’s capital. When he tried to take his photo with his new bucktoothed pal, however, the beaver became violent, and bit an artery in the man’s leg causing him to bleed to death. More unsettling than the fact that these people actually have to live in Belarus is that the attack is only the latest in string of reports of beaver-related violence in the former soviet country. Wildlife services in California have observed similar symptoms of aggression in former child star Amanda Bynes, leading Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl with no choice but to shut down Beaver’s Coffee and Donuts as a “preventative measure.”

Justin Bieber’s Monkeyjustinbieber'smonkey

In perhaps the least overt turn of cultura disrespectin’ Justin Bieber’s recent trip to Europe, the teen pop star and Anne Frank mega-fan was forced to turn over his pet capuchin, Mally, to German customs officials after failing to provide the proper documentation for the monkey. Although Bieber was given several weeks to reclaim Mally, he failed to do so, and the monkey was relocated to a German zoo this past week. Officials from the Serengeti Wildlife Park in Northern Germany say that Mally is fine, but they wish customs would have confiscated Bieber’s music as well.

The Campus Raccoons

Perhaps the most savage beasts in the Evanston area besides Bobb residents waiting for their Cheesie’s delivery at 2AM, these nocturnal creepers are raising concern throughout campus. Though the majority of complaints have come from Tech gremlins and fidgety pre-meds trekking home from the library after it closes at 3am (The Flipside is ashamed that we know that and apologizes for the academic-related knowledge), who reported being afraid that raccoons would eat them, Evanston Paramedics did respond to several calls for raccoon-inflicted injuries on Saturday. Stacey Groves, chair of the Smart Dillo campaign, said she “regrets not making it clearer in our posters that raccoons are different from armadillos, but honestly, we didn’t expect students to try to drunkenly hug either species.”

And there you have it. So next year, when you see a frat star projectile vomit onto a flood lamp during the night headliner’s set and think you’ve seen the very worst mother nature has to offer, just remember: you could have been a fisherman trying to take your picture with a beaver.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *