Top Sororities Fear Proposed Regulations in Cute Guitar-Playing Boy Market

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EVANSTON — Northwestern’s top-tier sororities have made it clear that they strongly oppose the Panhellenic Association’s proposal for the setting of a price ceiling in the cute guitar-playing boy market. The cute guitar-playing boys, referred to as GPBs, face a huge spike in demand during Big/Little Week, during which sororities anonymously shower their new “Littles” with gifts, food, movie parties, and the chance to be serenaded by a GPB in front of other Littles.

Sarah Smith, an Economics major and member of the Panhellenic Association Executive Board, explained, “We are proposing that a price ceiling be placed below GPB market price, because the sharp increase in demand for GPBs raises the price of said hotties so much that lower-tier sororities do not have the opportunity to purchase this eye candy for their babies.”

Allison Williams of Tri-Alpha supports the measure. “Being from one of the lower-tier sororities, we simply cannot afford hot guys at prices that cater to the top-tier bimbos. I had to sit and feign a smile last year as a boy without Ryan Gosling’s abs botched my favorite Justin Bieber song. I won’t even be able to afford that type of boy for my Little if prices are not controlled.”

Top-tier sororities, however, have argued against the price ceiling, citing the failures of price controls on equally important goods, like oil. “This price ceiling will first and foremost lead to a shortage of GPBs, for the mandatory low price of boys will lead to more girls who want to employ GPBs than GPBs who are willing to perform at the given price!” exclaimed Maggie Kelter of top-tier Lambda Omicron Lambda. Further, asserted Kelter, because competition cannot drive the price of lap dances set to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack to market equilibrium, there is also a signaling issue in which givers of said lap-dances have no way of knowing which pledge mom values his services the most.

Finally, top sorority sisters fear that shortages will lead to extensive waiting times when pledge moms try to book One Direction themed stripteases and other GPBs. “The time spent in line will take away from time intended for other crucial sisterhood activities like watching Glee,” said Kelter.

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