Snowden Cleverly Disguises Self as Terrified, Disheveled Fugitive
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former NSA analyst Edward Snowden has evaded the clutches of his pursuers once again by cleverly adopting the disguise of a terrified, disheveled 60-year-old. Snowden’s continued freedom is believed to hinge on his new appearance being a sharp departure from the now-familiar photo of a fresh-faced 29-year-old idealist interviewed in a Hong Kong hotel room just two weeks ago by The Guardian.
Multiple sources report that Snowden first adopted his new disguise while trapped in a Moscow airport. Airport custodian Dmitri Medvedev, a former civil servant, claims that Snowden “spent hours in front of the bathroom window, gawking at the growing bags under his eyes and frantically tugging at his rapidly greying hair. At one point, he grabbed me by the shoulders and started screaming that I’d ‘never see [him] again!’, and he was totally right!”
“With his hunched back and fear-filled eyes, there’s no way I’d be able to pick him out of a crowd now! I tell you, these NSA guys have the spy stuff down completely.”
Intelligence circles worldwide believe that Snowden currently plans to add a scraggly, filthy beard to his now horrifically-deformed visage, but independent commentators like Amnesty International’s Daniel McCall have advised against such a move, claiming that “the public already expects the next photo of Snowden to prominently feature disgustingly unkempt facial hair. He’d be playing right into his adversaries’ hands.”
As of press time, Snowden has welcomed The Flipside’s glib and frivolous mockery of his tragic situation with open arms. Snowden has even provided The Flipside with a message to post on his behalf, directed at those who would consider his plight to be no laughing matter. Snowden writes:
“Buzzfeed can publish ’15 GIFs of Snowden’s Loved Ones Sobbing’ for all I care. Remember, if I’m out of the headlines for more than 48 hours, I die.”