Dating Site User Touts Qualities Shared By All Non-Sociopathic Humans

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NAPERVILLE, IL — OkCupid user chigirl91 has extensively filled her dating site profile with a number of clichéd platitudes that describe virtually every member of the human race who does not have a dangerous personality disorder.

Describing herself as someone who “loves to smile” and who is “trying to do what makes me happy,” chigirl91 has included herself in a subgroup that includes nearly all members of our species and several other species as well. Chigirl91 added that she is “pretty busy” but that she spends her free time “hanging out with friends and eating food.”

Chigirl91 states that she does not like liars, reiterating the nearly universal distaste in humankind for deception.

Motivated by the desire to stand out in a crowded dating field, chigirl91 uploaded a series of group photographs in which her identity is unclear among her compatriots. Many of her photos emphasize her blue eyes, a color which is the most common among her ethnicity, often appearing especially bright and vivid due to the flash of her camera phone. Chigirl91 names her eyes and smile as her favorite parts about herself, adding that her friends believe her to be in the possession of a “donk.”

Chigirl91’s favorite television shows, movies, and bands are an astonishingly accurate summation of today’s most popular television shows, movies, and bands. Additionally, she emphasizes her broad taste in music, citing that she likes to listen to many genres, such as rock music. When asked about the most private thing she was willing to admit about herself, chigirl91 states that she is a very big fan of Harry Potter, a franchise which has sold over 500 million books and a series of movies which have netted $7.7 billion in profit.

Her profile concludes with an invitation to talk more if the reader is “friendly and interested,” harkening to millennia of social interactions based on both parties being friendly and interested. Chigirl91 is looking for, she states, “someone who can make me happy,” an attribute which unites her with nearly every person who has ever been alive, as well as some primates and birds.

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