Houston Astros Clinch Impressively Mediocre Season

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HOUSTON, TX — Despite a who-even-knows-how-long losing streak entering their final series versus the Texas Rangers, the Houston Astros finished the regular season with their best record since transitioning to the American League.

“A playoff berth would really speak to the effort these guys have put in this season,” Astros manager Bo Porter said. “Nobody thought we could finish in the top five of the AL West back in April.”

Porter, a first-year manager, has been praised in Houston as a visionary in the modern age of baseball, instituting the butt-slide and hurl-bunt. National media outlets, though, have remained skeptical about the Astros’ prospects moving forward.

“The press has bashed us all year, but we just tuned them out,” said Astros first baseman Chris Carter, who leads the MLB in strikeouts. “Once we saw our largest losing streak in April was only six games, we knew the sky was the limit for us this year.”

“You’ve got to remember how far we’ve come since last year,” added rookie shortstop Jonathan Villar. “Almost the entire batting order has made contact at least once this season.”

Despite the team’s recent success, the Astros’ fan base is dissatisfied. Most Houstonites say they’re still waiting for Porter to take the Astros to the top of the American League, and revisit the National League prestige they enjoyed around the same time that Alex Rodriguez still had fans.

When asked about his job security, Porter commented, “I think my position is stable right now. I mean, last year they didn’t win any games in the AL. Now in my first year, we win 51. There’s still a lot left to be done, but that’s some Manager of the Year shit right there if you ask me.”

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