BREAKING: Bad Chemistry Professor Arrested for Meth Production

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EVANSTON — A prominent chemistry professor at Northwestern University has pleaded guilty to charges of manufacturing and distributing methamphetamine. The allegations surfaced after students began to question the real nature of several experiments assigned by Dr. Linda Holmes.

Students were somewhat confused when Holmes revealed the title of the following week’s experiment, “Cooking with Lithium.” Confusion grew when the pre-lab assignment proved to be nothing but a shopping list of various cleaning chemicals.

“I didn’t really think anything of it when our first experiment was instructions on how to remove the lithium cells from batteries,” confessed McCormick sophomore Wade Larson. “But, come to think of it, she looked really nervous and kept checking to make sure the doors were locked.” Larson also said he was a bit skeptical when the supply list included a gas mask and hazmat suit.

Further investigation into the quarter’s planned experiments yielded titles such as “Processing Castor Beans into Ricin” and “Pseudoephedrine or P2P?” It was also revealed that Holmes’s supply request contained methylalamine, fried chicken buckets, and an RV outside Albuquerque, NM.

When given the opportunity to address the court, Holmes took the stand only to announce, “I am the one who knocks.”

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