ASG Elections Kidnapping Plot Foiled
EVANSTON — Six masked gunmen broke into Allison Residential Community yesterday and held a group of ASG candidates hostage for 12 hours. “It was sooooooo scary,” said Allison resident Vanessa Pasteur. “I was just listening to John’s speech, and then there were these big dudes with guns and hoodies, they busted in and told everyone to get down on the floor.”
ASG Residence Hall elections is fast-approaching, and tensions this year were at an all-time high. “The race for padding resumés with bullshit positions has never been more intense,” said Neil Mantle, Allison’s Area Coordinator. “We were afraid something like this might happen eventually.”
The men attempted to kidnap the ASG candidates present, but they were not prepared for the speedy response of campus police. At first, the gunmen refused to budge, negotiating for hours with the police and refusing to divulge their purpose or release the hostages. Several attempts were made to escape through windows, all met with failure.
Upon realizing the game was up, the gunmen quickly surrendered and were revealed all to be drunken residents of Bobb Residence Hall, armed with repainted Nerf guns. They were immediately taken into custody, and when questioned, all admitted to being under payroll of Natalie Smith, an ASG candidate running in Allison. Their orders were to kidnap all of the candidates, and then “accidentally” allow her to escape.
Allegedly, Smith had offered all of the gang beers in exchange for the job. Smith has since fled the country, and is still being pursued by the FBI, campus police, and an armed drone.