Freshman Psych Major Was “Totally Sober,” Only Conducting Research

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EVANSTON — Despite conflicting reports from her classmates, freshman psychology major Anna Taylor claims that last night she wasn’t actually “completely wasted,” but was conducting a psych study. Taylor, who is currently enrolled in Introduction to Psychology, became so passionate about psych studies that she decided to perform one of her own.

“I normally never drink. I’m very responsible. I don’t even touch alcohol. Like, ever,” said Taylor. “But I got this idea to test whether people would act differently around me while I was drunk, so I pretended to be drunk,” Taylor added. “I had a few drinks, of course, but only so people would believe that I’d been drinking. But I was totally sober the whole time. Like soooo sober. Completely sober.”

Although Taylor never consulted with her professor about the study, since the topic of “Psychological Research” won’t be covered until the eighth week of the quarter, she maintains that she had been planning to conduct this experiment for “a really long time.”. Taylor commented, “I have always been an over-achiever, so this is just my way of getting ahead. I don’t drink, like ever, but I am totally dedicated and willing to do anything for science!”

Taylor’s boyfriend, junior theatre and psychology major Charlie Klein, applauds Taylor’s efforts. “I totally believed that she was drunk. After she had her fifth drink and threw up on the floor, I was convinced. She really is a brilliant actress,” said Klein. “And I totally DID treat her differently when I thought she was wasted. I helped her climb all of the stairs on the way back to her dorm,” he added.

Taylor’s roommate, freshman math major Fannie Macomb, however, didn’t appreciate the study. “Her boyfriend carried her into our room at 2 a.m., and we had to clean her up and tuck her into bed…ugh…and she was still slurring her words when we woke up in the morning.”

But Taylor disagrees. “In order to make any scientific progress you must be willing to make sacrifices. Instead of doing a controlled experiment where people know they are being tested, I got unbiased data,” reasoned Taylor.

When asked about her results, Taylor admitted to having not written anything down, and not really remembering how anyone actually acted, or even who she saw. But she is optimistic about the next trials she plans to conduct, “probably tomorrow night and again on Friday and Saturday.” Taylor’s psychology teacher could not be reached for comment, and Taylor assumes this means she fully supports her ongoing study.

Taylor is also planning a later study on whether loud and frequent disruptions during midterms affect a class’s overall scores.

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