Male Student Does Not Realize How Backwards Slut Shaming Is

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EVANSTON — McCormick freshman and resident slut shamer Tyler Kozak failed to realize why calling a female peer a “slut” last Thursday night was an issue.

Despite modern innovations such as condoms, paternity tests, and basic concepts of gender equality that render societal ideas of female virginity antiquated, Kozak still stressed the importance of publicly stating his personal opinion of another individual’s sex life.

“She’s totally asking for it,” Kozak said, continuing to unnecessarily share his irrelevant views of the young woman. “I was just helping her out by telling her to stop being such a slut.”

Although Kozak thought his advice was really useful and welcome, it turns out most females do not enjoy men or other women telling them how and when they should have sex. In fact, according a recent study, 98% of women feel that their bodies are in fact theirs. The remaining 2% could not be found for comment.

“It’s really quite fascinating the lengths we have gone to as a society to regulate female sexuality, including justifying carrying an unconscious girl by her wrists and ankles, legitimate rape, gendered dress checks, firing someone because they are “too attractive”, or even how we know you want it, when none of these things are acceptable by any reasonable standard ever,” says Stephen Brown, a sociology professor at Northwestern University who conducted the survey.

Another study conducted by the entire population of the world has also found that safe, consensual sex can be a very enjoyable experience for a vast majority of people, including women. This surprising result has caused some to realize that telling over half of the occupants of the Western Hemisphere not to have sex is probably not a rational expectation.

“Her tits were, like, hanging out,” Kozak added, in a feeble and illogical attempt to justify why the woman’s “slut” status should correlate to her moral character or have any significance at all.

He is currently preoccupied with telling his friend that the author of this article must be a slut and therefore declined further comment.

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