[Tabloid Issue] Rosie O’Donnell Gets into Fight with Freshman at The Deuce

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EVANSTON — Actress Rosie O’Donnell, best known for her supporting role in the 1996 Nickelodeon film Harriet the Spy, was involved in a violent altercation with a Northwestern University freshman at the Deuce on Thursday night. While the motivations for the fight were originally unknown, an anonymous tip suggests that it began after an argument about the merits of democratizing the election process in an underdeveloped authoritarian country turned ugly.

According to eyewitnesses, the fight was ignited when O’Donnell screamed “fuck off you fucking fuckwad” before attempting to defecate in the other party’s drink.

“I just could not comprehend how this idiot couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that there is absolutely no correlation between authoritarian rule and speed of economic development,” O’Donnell later told police. “The kid just kept saying ‘I go to Northwestern, I think I know what I’m talking about.’”

A friend of the unnamed freshman gave the other side of the story.

“All my friend was trying to do is explain that poor people need a strong ruler to push them to less indolent, even if the (he added air quotes here) ‘facts’ don’t support that,” explained Max Johnson, a freshman planning on majoring in economics. “It’s not his fault that Rosie was too caught up in her liberal fantasy world,” he added.

The freshman in question could not be reached for comment, as he has been hospitalized after being hit in the head with a glass of watered down vodka and cranberry juice.

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