University Not Sure If It Should Be Proud of Having “58th Nicest Student Body”

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EVANSTON — Students and faculty reacted with mixed feelings to a study conducted by the Brookings Institution that found that Northwestern University has the 58th nicest student body of all American universities. The study thus places Northwestern in the top 2% of all American colleges based on student body niceness.

The study, led by statistician Muhammad Rosenthal of Bates College, ranks Bates College first in niceness, followed by a tie between Bucknell University and the California Institute of Technology.

“I guess this is something to be proud of,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Patricia Telles-Irvin. “I mean, top 2%. That’s definitely something. 58th, though. Yeesh. Are there really 57 nicer colleges? I mean, huh. Should we send out a press release about this? Should it be positive? Do people want to attend the university with the 58th nicest students? More importantly, do people want to donate to the university with the 58th nicest students?”

“At the very least, it feels good to have a ranking in which we beat those assholes at Penn,” said Isiah Miller, a junior in the Medill School of Journalism, who was rejected from the University of Pennsylvania when applying to colleges.

Seiji Buscemi, an assistant professor in Marketing at the Kellogg School of Business, said, “I guess this could be a good thing, or a bad thing, or somewhere in between.”

The Brookings Institution justified their ranking. “The whole key-jingling thing definitely brought Northwestern down a few spots. I mean, seriously? Pretty asshole-ish. The other team is just trying to plan out a play, and you guys can’t keep the racket down a little. Have some manners.”

Northwestern University’s Happiness Club could not be reached for comment, although they did offer The Flipside a high-five and a baby penguin.

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