Sophomore Sells Crack to Fundraise for Dance Marathon

DM

EVANSTON — All previous fundraising records were shattered this past week as Weinberg sophomore Stephen McClaren announced he had raised over ten thousand dollars in one week for Dance Marathon. Despite the impressive total he’s already raised, McClaren says he’s not finished.

“I got the idea while watching Breaking Bad,” says McClaren. “I thought if Walter White could pay for cancer treatments with drugs, I could pay for Muscular Dystrophy research too.”

McClaren, a chemistry major, approached Organic Chemistry professor Mark Bergstein and asked for assistance on an independent research project. After several one-on-one tutoring sessions, the pair successfully created their first large batch of crack cocaine.

McClaren packaged his product and took it to the outlying neighborhoods of Chicago, where he sold it to other dealers, homeless addicts, and several mayors of various Canadian cities. He used a portion of the profits to fund the production of the next batch and the rest went to his DM fund. Three batches in the same week lifted him to his current total.

“I just think it’s a great cause,” explained McClaren. “And it’s really a foolproof system. I’m not doing anything wrong if it’s for a good cause, right? And I’m only taking two, maybe three hits per batch. That’s practically nothing.”

The Northwestern University Police Department eventually had to intervene as the highly intoxicated McClaren began ranting and shouting expletives at Flipside reporter Jordan Villanueva.

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