Chet Haze: Where Is He Now?
SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES — Northwestern Wildcat and rap kind-of-star Chester Marion Hanks, better known to his devoted fan base as Chet Haze, has been noticeably absent from the Evanston campus this year, mostly because he graduated in June.
Life without everyone’s favorite rapper, philosopher and Wildcat has left the Northwestern student body struggling to find its way without Chet’s artistic talent and thoughtful Twitter insights. Their suffering has only been intensified by Chet’s total disconnect from the Northwestern community, and many fans and admirers have been left wondering, where is Chet now?
“It’s strange to think that it’s only been a year since that truly inspiring Deering Days performance,” said SESP sophomore Grace Mannelly. “Every day, I just remember seeing Chet bumping to his beats while walking down Sheridan or even at the occasional party thrown by that frat he was kind of in. I wonder where he is or if he’s happy. I just miss him a lot I guess.”
Some hard-hitting reporting by a devoted Medill student and Chet’s #1 fan (#1 Love) has revealed some distinct possibilities as to his recent activity post-graduation. One thing is definitely clear: Chet has been putting that Northwestern degree to good use.
Living as a Samurai
From on now I am going to live my life as a Samurai — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 7, 2013
I’M EATING CHICKEN RIGHT NOW
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) August 25, 2013
Meeting other celebrities
Just met the kid who goes “and can I get a hot tub” from that State Farm commercial lmao. Cool dude
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) July 16, 2013
What part of the game is that when your homies go out and get it crackin without u? — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) June 15, 2013
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) August 27, 2013
Taking it easy
Goin out tonight for the first time in a month… I’m proud I’ve lasted this long — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 14, 2013
Taking it really easy
So I already beat grand theft auto V… Really depressing
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 23, 2013
Being a feminist advocate
I hope you ladies know just how beautiful y’all are. Don’t judge yourself by the bullshit standards set by the media. Be your natural self.
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 6, 2013
Developing a fashion blog
I’m just gonna put this out there the spiked Christian Louboutin’s are tacky AF I would be caught dead in those
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) September 17, 2013
Doing philanthropic work
Writing movie reviews
I’m surprised a lion didn’t come out and eat Sandra Bullock at the end of gravity the amount of shit the went wrong
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 10, 2013
Wanting to know where we are (We’re here, Chet! Where are you?!?)
I been gettin money where da fuk you been??? — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 15, 2013
Supporting family values
I fear for the generation of children who are growing up in this toxic pop culture machine
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 21, 2013
Reflecting on the duality of man — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) October 28, 2013
Tracking down the Illlumnati
TWO OF MY MISTRESSES WHOM I BELIEVE HAVE BEEN ACQUAINTED ARE CURRENTLY ATTENDING THE BANQUET… PERHAPS I AM BEING UNREASONABLY SUSPICIOUS — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 14, 2013
First vine… It’s ya boy… Fuck with me https://t.co/TrHDCJ5bDb
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 16, 2013
Really supporting family values
You may be too distracted to realize it, but Satanic imagery is everywhere you look nowadays. — Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) November 21, 2013
Large Scale Contemplation
— Chester M. Hanks (@CHETHAZE) July 20, 2013
Or he might have just transferred to Sarah Lawrence
In any case, Chet, The Flipside misses you.