White Guilt, Jewish Guilt to Converge on Same Night
MANHATTAN, NY — According to meteorologists, a maelstrom of absolute obliteration is about to bear down on the US eastern seaboard. Thanksgiving 2013 is set to coincide with the first day of Hanukkah, a phenomenon which will not occur for another 70,000 years. Experts are worried about the havoc this could wreak, fundamentally altering the fabric of the nation.
While economists fear that the combined forces of white and Jewish guilt could cripple Wall Street and other financial districts nation-wide, aging Jewish seniors have already begun preparing passive-aggressive emotional blackmail for their children, grandchildren, and friends, setting a minimum quota of convincing at least two family members to purchase houses within a mile radius of their own.
Meanwhile, white suburban teenagers have carefully reviewed the 15-page Howard Zinn excerpt that they read for their High School US History class that one time, and eagerly anticipate “enlightening” 50-year-old family members who could never have possibly known what a douchebag Christopher Columbus was.
Although usually antagonistic, experts have noted that the holiday overlap could bring these disparate groups together to ensure that a family event intended to promote love, gratitude, and togetherness contains a suitable quotient of self-righteousness, politics, and reminders of mortality.
“Oh, God, I can see it already,” local Jew Adam Schoenberg sighed. “’Adam, honey, I really wish you’d call more. Adam, sweetie, do you really need to move across the state for work? Adam, darling, don’t you think it’s offensive to celebrate the Native American genocide with a feast?’”
Experts predict that Schoenberg and his relatives will feel personal responsibility for events that occurred while their ancestors lived in Poland. They will wonder why they felt compelled to drive three hours to Thanksgiving dinner at a distant cousin’s house for family members who would only notice them if they failed to show up.
FEMA is providing materials to set up a quarantine zone in a standard American kitchen. If an individual or any loved ones exhibit symptoms of using a family holiday to further personal agendas, the agency recommends locking them inside the sound-proofed Plexiglass walls for the safety of family, neighbors, and the nation at large.
Mandatory Xanax injections for the isolated will ensure that affected relatives have an enjoyable, guilt-free Thanksgiving as well.