Obama Gives Credit to “the Real American Heroes” for Ending the Shutdown

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WASHINGTON — During his State of the Union Address, President Obama finally gave credit to “the real American heroes.” He stated, “It is inspiring, that in a crisis which caused over 19,000 American children to lose access to education and food, and required 1.3 million federal employees to wonder from where their next paycheck will come, it only took Congress sixteen days to reach an agreement to put off the inevitable once more.”

Obama continued to praise the heroes who ended the crisis and went on to achieve other remarkable feats. “On January 15th, a spending bill was passed,” said Obama to thunderous applause.

Paul Ryan wept as he vigorously clapped and shouted, “Yes! Yes!” Commenting on the Address afterwards, Ryan was again moved to tears. “It was beautiful. He finally admitted it. We were acknowledged.” Ryan dabbed his eyes with the Atlas Shrugged-themed Fan-dkerchief he’d purchased at this year’s Republi-Con. Ryan continued, “That’s all we ever wanted. Credit for carrying out our basic job description.”

The President explained that this amount of bipartisanship was better than he ever hoped for. Michelle Angelo, who volunteered during both of Obama’s presidential campaigns, said it was this kind of government she had envisioned when she first saw Obama’s “Hope” posters.

John Boehner was so moved that his tear ducts had simply given up by the time reporters reached him in the lobby. “We hear about heroes who work hard every single day to make a better life for their families, despite massive obstacles,” said Boehner. “Just once, I thought, it would be nice for Congress to get credit for allowing our petty differences to stop poor children from getting food for only sixteen days, despite the obstacle of not having our paychecks or benefits in any way affected.”

Other Republicans exclaimed, “Thanks Obama!” without the usual sarcasm.

As of press time both Ryan and Boehner had regained their composure and asserted that they will continue to defend America by attempting to block every single bill introduced by Obama or suggested by a Democrat or a suspected Democrat. “They’re like vampires,” said Ryan. “At first they seem really attractive and they make you feel special and sparkle in sunlight, but then there’s a plot twist and no one is safe.”

President Obama concluded his address, “Well, it was touch and go for a while there, but the United States does still, in fact, exist.”

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