“Total Loser” Olympian Only Gets Laid 50 Times at Olympic Village

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SOCHI, RUSSIA — New reports out of Sochi indicate that 24-year-old Connor Wilson, a member of the United States Curling team, is such a socially awkward and abrasive individual that he’s only gotten laid 50 times during his stay in Sochi’s Olympic Village.

The Olympic Village has long been identified as a Bacchanalia for competitors. Athletes pay homage to the Ancient Greek heritage of the Games by drinking to excess and screwing anything that moves.

Athletes like Wilson, however, who are either introverted, in committed relationships back home, or sixteen-year-old figure skating prodigies, are happy to merely get laid a couple dozen times during their trip. Wilson himself has noted that the ten boxes of condoms in his luggage are “a generous estimate,” and that he only expects to actually use four or five of the twelve-packs before he leaves.

“I’m here to compete, not party,” Wilson reportedly told teammate Margaret Ridley, who had attempted to enter the young man’s room at 3AM the previous morning. Wilson attempted to apologize, telling Ridley that he wanted to get up early the next morning for some last-minute practice, and assured his Team USA colleague that all six of the nimble, lascivious women in his bed would be promptly ejected by 5AM the next morning. The rejection left Ridley so distraught that she was forced to seek solace in the 80 closest pairs of arms she could find.

“Wilson? Ce petit salop?” French biathlete Pierre Duval spat. “So self-righteous and arrogant! So tense! What he needs is to meet thirty belles filles to get out of sa tête. Maybe then he’ll see that there’s more to the Olympics than just competing for personal glory! It’s about the celebration de la vie! It’s about the celebration de l’humanité! It’s about contracting VD on your nation’s euro!”

Discoveries of cameras in Sochi hotel rooms led some to question whether athletes would continue to behave in such salacious ways. President Vladimir Putin recently made a rare public apology to most of those affected. Wilson, Ridley, Duval, and hundreds more were relieved to hear that the cameras were only meant to intimidate gay athletes.

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