Talented Ice Skater at Norris Clearly a Fucking Asshole

580092-10420856-640-360-2

EVANSTON — Sources have concluded that based on the inordinate amount of twists, spins, and tricks he is performing, the talented ice skater currently at the Norris Ice Rink must be a huge douchebag.

Reports indicate that the piece-of-shit individual showed up to the rink alone, put on his very own pair of ritzy, showy ice skates, and proceeded to parade around like a giant pompous asshole.

“Seriously, look at that fuckface jump,” sources added. “That fucking scumbag.”

“I knew there was going to be trouble as soon as he came down here,” said Medill junior Brian Humphries. “I was trying to chill with my friends and have a good time, and he just comes in and ruins it like an arrogant little man-slut.”

“Honestly, if he died today, I would feel nothing,” Humphries continued.

Further reports confirmed that the frustratingly-good ice skater came to the rink alone, probably because he does not have any friends. Experts hypothesize that the skater likely asked people to join him, but these people refused his invitation due to the skater’s overall shittiness as a person.

“God, what a dick,” said SESP sophomore Karen Kapsen. “Look at him skate around with his nose in the air like he’s the king of everyone. If he has a girlfriend, I bet she’s screwing another guy. Who would ever like that dude, with all his fucking axels and shit?”

“I’m not lesbian or anything, but this guy would make me go lesbian,” agreed SESP junior Tessa Freidman. “You know what? I’d go lesbian just so I could make this guy think I’m into him, then I’d come out as lesbian, reject his desire, and fuck up his world view for the rest of his life. I mean, look at that layback spin, doesn’t it make you just want to throw acid on his face? Fuck him.”

“I come out here to have a good time, and this guy just chooses to take a giant shit on everyone else’s life,” said Humphries. “At least he hasn’t done a Lutz ye—oh look, would you fucking believe that?”

As of press time, the worthless, snobby, probably-incestuous ice skater was just wrapping up a triple toe loop, putting the cherry on top of his shit-flavored sundae.

One comment

  • Martina Bode

    I am more concerned that he takes up all the ice leaving little to almost no space for us hockey players out on the rink:-) oops is hockey playing even allowed behind Norris…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *