BREAKING: Area Student Awake and Ready to Start the Day

Young female student sleeping during a lecture.

EVANSTON – On Monday, sources indicated to The Flipside that SoC freshman Lisa Berelli, after a wildly successful weekend, was awake and eager to face the day. This makes her the first Northwestern student to bounce out of bed on time full of vigor since approximately the first week of Fall Quarter.

Berelli allegedly spent the past weekend cavorting in a drunken stupor for fifty-four straight hours. Friday night she was seen skinny-dipping off the shore of South Beach at approximately 2:40 AM. On Saturday, witnesses claim to have spotted her attempting to urinate off the roof of Swift Hall. Sunday started with mimosas and leftover vodka, while she spent the rest of the day scavenging for leftover delivery food in communal refrigerators.

“Miss Berelli rose at precisely 7:45 A.M.,” reported one statement. “She then proceeded to shower, brush her hair, and eat a balanced breakfast.” The same witness reported that Berelli also selected an outfit that did not include a North Face jacket, t-shirt, or sweatpants.

Monday morning brought an about-face to Lisa Berelli. Her unmatched enthusiasm for attending classes and learning new things had those around her in awe of the change in conduct.

“I guess I’m just really ready to be productive!” she told Flipside. “I’m off to my astronomy class now, have a great day!” Experts are still baffled by the good wishes Berelli has been spreading to those around her.

At time of press, Berelli had been seen with her head on her desk snoring during Astronomy 238.

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