BREAKING: Mayfest Runs out of Wristbands, Even for Students with Wildcards

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EVANSTON — Hours after making Wednesday’s announcement that guest wristband distribution had been suspended, Mayfest clarified their statement to reflect the fact that they have no wristbands left at all.

“We underestimated the allure that groups like 2 Chainz, Ryan Hemsworth, and Chance the Rapper would have on the student body,” said Mayfest’s revised statement. “All wristbands have been claimed, and we discourage students from purchasing wristbands secondhand. As neither Mayfest nor NUPD will be checking IDs to enter the Lakefill, we lack the security infrastructure to prevent random strangers who purchased a wristband from showing up.”

“When we announced Cults, the last of the wristbands went like hotcakes,” a Mayfest exec board member commented while eating a hotcake, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We planned this poorly, I admit. Who would have thought that students who bothered to answer our survey last year would underestimate the number of guests coming to Dillo Day?”

Northwestern students were venting their frustration on social media. “Dillo Wristband, $300!” tweeted one outraged student who did manage to get a wristband. Another student posted to Facebook, “I would say Mayfest’s handling of Dillo Day this year is completely ridiculous, but honestly this is kind of the norm now, and frankly, I’m past caring.”

Mayfest has plans to prevent similar situations from happening in the future. “We’ve sold all the data we collected from the wristband registration process—students’ names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, everything—to various world governments and underground organizations,” said the exec board member. “We’ll use the proceeds to build more entrances on the Lakefill, because it’s unlikely the Allen Center construction will ever be completed.”

Meanwhile, Mayfest also announced that it has no plans to ever bring performers anybody would ever be excited to see, ever.

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