Siege of West Fairchild Enters Second Day

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By Alex Kurland

WEST FAIRCHILD — Equipped with pens, movie props of various descriptions, and warm jackets like those worn to guard the rock, a dozen students from the Communications Residential College at East Fairchild made headway on the second day of their siege of their sister Fairchild, The International Studies Residential College, by storming the lobby at West Fairchild and taking control of both the lounge and the security desk. While they had hoped to make more progress, they were stopped by yet another key-activated lock preventing access to the stairs. In the meantime, the besiegers seem to have contented themselves to waiting for their western neighbors to surrender, taking turns streaming Netflix from the flat-screen and eating from the kitchen’s food reserves.

Trying to fulfill his campaign promise of finally uniting the Fairchildren, Associated Student Government Senator Harold Maelor of CRC submitted a formal declaration of war to the residents of the International Studies Residential College soon after his 3:30 Politics of Nationalism seminar broke earlier this past Friday. “Communications and International Studies were born to be together. I vow to take charge and create a singular, united Fairchild to rule Northwestern! We will be feared, no matter the costs.”

Resistance from West Fairchild seems to be based out of the third floor Dungeons and Dragons suite, where residents have been seen wielding various katanas and a replica of the Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda. “Let them come,” self-proclaimed leader Clark Walker said, hunched over a map of south campus and stroking his neckbeard, “I’m not sure how long our party can last on buckets of popcorn, week-old Giordano’s leftovers, and smuggled-in wings will last, anyways.”

Associated Student Government President Clancy Neville refused to comment on the story, saying, “It’s not as if student government has any power, anyways.” Meanwhile, non-residents and fellow Hinman diners showed an outpouring of concern for the besieged West-Fairchildren, vehemently posting their support to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram with the hashtag #westpoorchildren to give Maelor and associates a digital slap on the wrist while not actually helping in any meaningful way.

When asked about the siege’s implications to Jones Performing Arts Residence College’s independence, also represented by Maelor in student government, theatre major and dorm spokesperson Justin Tottenham blushed and thanked The Flipside for remembering that their residential college existed.

 

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