GREENhouse Shocked to Realize No One Else Cares About Green Cup
EVANSTON — Members of GREEN House were surprised to learn today that they are the only ones who care about Green Cup, a month-long competition to reduce resource use in residence halls. “Really? But… how… wait…what???” GREEN House resident Jaime King, MEAS ’17, stuttered when confronted with this shocking news.
GREEN House residents have been making a well-organized, building-wide effort to reduce their energy use. Flushing the toilet, having any kind of lights on, and doing laundry are discouraged. “It’s actually kind of scary,” said GREEN House freshman Tom Gilbert. “I turned on the lights in the bathroom and flushed the toilet. I thought I was being hygienic and a decent person. Yeah, no. Some girl was so angry with me, I thought she was gonna pop a blood vessel.”
GREEN House residents are encouraged to charge their electronics in other buildings and shower at SPAC. “I’m sorry, but the only thing green about showering at SPAC is the mold.” Junior Liz Taylor replied when asked whether or not she was following the advice to become greener. “Isn’t this whole thing about reducing energy? Aren’t you still using energy even if you shower at SPAC or charge your laptop at Mudd?”
An anonymous GREEN House junior confided that she thinks there’s another reason for all the effort. “No one will admit it, but it’s a pride thing. We don’t really care about the environment; we just want to win something.” The resident also explained that now that people are realizing that only GREEN House cares about Green Cup, GREEN House residents are starting to get bitter and a little self-righteous.
“They’ll all pay for this. When they’re coughing up soot and fleeing the rising seas, then they’ll realize…” King muttered, laughing maniacally to himself before dissolving into tears.
In other news, GREEN House residents have decided to use as much energy as possible for the month of December to “teach all of us energy whores a lesson.”