How to Sexile Your Parents: A Guide to Family Weekend
By Ben Connelly
That’s right, it’s Family Weekend! It combines all the stress of answering the countless questions about your grades your parents are bound to ask with the fact that you can’t drink that stress away (primarily because your parents are here). However, the Flipside has one fun thing that you can get involved in this weekend: sexiling your parents.
Why the fuck do I want to sexile my parents?
The real question should be “why not?” We’re all adults here [ish]. And besides, what better way to show you care than to force your parents to picture you getting it on while they wait alone in a hotel room?
Step 1: Find your partner(s)
Now for those of you who are new to sexiling, you might not realize that it involves hooking up with somebody. Have no fear! If you’re having trouble finding somebody, go to your nearest Gender Studies/Physics class and find a willing member of your preferred sex. (I’m not implying that Gender Studies majors are thirsty* or that physics classes have no girls**, but you’re much more likely to find a partner in these classes.) Simply walk up, engage in the traditional mating dance (Soulja Boy), and proceed to bring them to a party.
Step 2: Getting crunk as fuck
Of course, in order to hook up, you don’t need to be drunk, but if you’re trying to hook up with that physics major you might want to pound a few shots to turn that six into a nine. I’d strongly advise drinking straight Skol vodka***.
Step 3: The act
Bring your partner(s) back to your room, and convince your parents to come see you****. While you’re waiting, do whatever you do when you’re hooking up. Personally I generally enjoy talking about politics over a nice martini, but you drank five shots of Skol already, so I’m assuming you might just want to try fucking. When your parents get there and knock on the door, just open it up, hand them a sock, and yell “SURPRISE!” Mission accomplished. They’ve been sexiled! The irony will create a great moment for all, just like every other family bonding experience that happens five shots in at 3 AM (NOTE: Depending on who you’re hooking up with, you might want to hide them to avoid dishonoring your family).
That’s our guide! Have fun kids, and remember: use protection! (Just because it’s Family Weekend doesn’t mean you should start one during it)
***If you haven’t had Skol, you can probably deduce what it tastes like (I mean you’re smart kids. You’ve never had Skol, so that’s something going for you).
****It’s probably 3 AM at this point so good luck