The Unauthorized Diary of a Freshman Girl in: Sorority Rush

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By Lucas Pettinato

Flipside has recently discovered the diary of Jane Medford, WCAS ’18. This diary contains inside information on the horrors of Sorority Recruitment, and how it has affected girls across America for centuries. Here is a selection from the diary:

 

Day 1: January 8th, 2015

 

Morning

Dear Diary,

Hey, it’s me. Jane… So, today’s the day! Time to officially start Sorority Rush, YAY! ……………Diary, I mean I’m confident and all, I’m just really nervous! I really am! I’ve only been awake for 2 hours and I’ve already shat 17 times! I didn’t even know us girls even pooped at all!

Anyways, I’m gonna try to calm down, hopefully my 9 classes that I have today will distract me from thinking about You-Know-What. K, I’m just gonna go now, I’ll write back at lunch!

Your Beloved Wildkitten,

Jane Medford

 

Afternoon: Lunchtime

Dear Diary,

Hey, it’s me again. Jane. So, unfortunately, I have failed to distract myself from thinking about Sorority Recruitment. Diary, please don’t judge me. I’m just soooo frakin nervous! Like, what if they don’t like the color of my hair, or the style of my clothes… Or the fact that my left boob is 3x bigger than my right boob! UGH I hate people! ESPECIALLY GIRLS! Girls are so rude! I mean guys never judge me on my giant left boob, they actually seem appreciate it!

Whatever. Sorry you had to hear me vent, Diary. I’m gonna go finish this 50 oz jar of Nutella and then go to class. I’ll write to you at dinner. 

Your Beloved Sun Goddess,

Jane Medford

 

Evening: Dinner

Dear Diary,

Hey, it’s me. AGAIN… You know, Jane… So listen, I kinda feel stoked for tonight! I KNOW, RIGHT? ISN’T IT CRAYZIE?! I guess all that nervous energy suddenly turned into confidence! I’m ready to go to my first day of Sorority Recruitment!

The event starts in less than an hour, so I’m gonna quickly finish my dinner, which was, by the way, a single piece of lettuce (gotta look slim for my big night J), and I’ll be on my way! I’ll write to you after the event!

Your Beloved Star-Crystal,

Jane Medford

 

Midnight: After Recruitment

Dear Diary,

HEY IT’S ME JANE BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT OMGOMGOMGOMGOMQQQQQQQQQ RECRUITMENT WENT SO WELL! I’LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!

I walked into Quad-Delt and was paired with this AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL MODEL-LIKE PERFECT girl named Ethel Mary Hoolihan. We were having a wonderful talk, when she suddenly asked me:

“So, Jane, what extracurricular activities are you a part of?”

I replied saying: “Oh, well I’m actually in an improv group on campus!”

She then said: “Oh, so you must be, like, funny, right?”

Then I said: “Of course! Wanna hear a joke?”

So then of course she was like “Yeah TOTES!”

So then I said: “Ok ready!? Knock Knock FUCK YOU.

Not to brag, but I’m prettttyyy sure I’m getting a bid from QuadΔ. Guess there is no need for you anymore! I think I’ll put you in PARC, Diary. You’ll be happy there!

TTYL Betch!

 

Your favorite Sorority Slut,

Jane Medford

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