Protesting Pork: A Fight for Rights
DENVER, CO — Across the nation, many Chipotle restaurants are facing a shortage of pork, causing waves of panic to spread across college campuses. Chipotle, a popular burrito joint that’s a favorite among drunken college students, has had to discontinue the sale of its carnitas until further notice. The company is citing issues with its pork supplier as the reason, however, a little investigating shows that the problem is more complicated than the chain is letting on.
After taking a trip to the pork supplier itself, The Flipside has discovered what is keeping the meat from flowing: protesters. The pigs of Chipotle have decided that they have had enough and have taken to the streets to protest for better conditions. “We have been denied basic human rights!” says Pork Union Spokesman Paul Oinker. “They keep us in cages so small that we can’t turn around! I don’t even want to mention the slop they feed us!”
Mr. Oinker has been leading the protests for the past month and although the union has not achieved its goals yet, it has attracted the attention of several prominent swine. Famous pigs like Porky Pig, Babe, and Jon Hamm have been seen supporting the protestors; even Miss Piggy has written a heartfelt editorial for The Huffington Pork, asking for Congress to intercede on behalf of the abused hogs. However, the new Republican-controlled Congress refuses to appear soft on labor unions. As one Senator puts it, “We have firmly said that we will not take part in any of this pork barrel spending.”
So as the pigs continue their protests in the coming weeks, everyone will be waiting to see what happens. In the meantime, intoxicated college students will have to settle for beef or chicken in their burritos because it turns out, “That’s all folks!”