Area Orphan Not Really Looking Forward to Family Weekend

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EVANSTON — Multiple sources are reporting that area orphan Nelly Pager, WCAS ’19, is allegedly not terribly excited about the extensive programming Northwestern has planned for its annual Family Weekend.

“It’s just that I don’t really have family,” commented Pager, when asked about her opinion on the upcoming weekend’s events. “I thought about going to the Northwestern-sponsored Family Weekend Tailgate before the Penn State game, but I just think the sight of so many fellow students with their parents would bring back the memories from that fateful day thirteen years ago. I just don’t think I’d be able to stand it.”

Pager has confirmed that her plans for Family Weekend involve watching the Northwestern football game on Xfinity on Campus, which she claims will provide her with ample time to sob while the video buffers. She is also considering spending Saturday night contemplating her loneliness while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

UPDATE: Since the publishing of this article, sources are confirming that Northwestern’s Office of Student Affiars is considering adding “Orphan Weekend” to the 2015-2016 school year, which would consist of at least twelve showings of Christopher Nolan’s “Batman Begins.”

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