Report: Your PA was Drunk the Whole Time
Northwestern’s Alcohol ENU, long ignored by students, has recently come under fire for releasing a survey of PA drinking habits. While many freshmen have hypothesized about how PAs plow through Wildcat Welcome’s unrelenting stream of activities, the survey is decisive: Your PA got fucking hammered.
Aaron Schwartz, that guy in your PA group you never talked to, weighed in on the issue with reporters. “I’m not surprised,” he recounted, “everyone loves drinking…and that’s not just the liquor talking.” Like many, Aaron Schwartz asserts that drinking is okay so long as “you don’t get too over-the-top wasted”. “I don’t have a problem,” he added as he threw up on the floor, “We’re Northwestern students; we can handle ourselves.”
Even so, sources have raised questions over how appropriate it really was for your PA to have three freshmen carry him home from the Deuce after an alleged “rough night.” Your PA has declined to comment on these allegations.
Your PA did post on Facebook that she would “like to remind everyone that alcoholism is a very serious issue that ruins lives. With this in mind,” she continued, “please stop by my dorm to pick up those red solo cups on the floor. The whole place has gone to shit.”