RTVF Senior Stakes Out Panhandling Spot Outside Evanston Library
After realizing she chose a useless, unprofitable career path, RTVF Senior Catherine Hanley has staked out a panhandling spot near the Evanston library, sources report.
“I always dreamed of being a famous producer in Hollywood,” said Hanley. “But I recently realized how insanely stupid that actually is. Literally no one ever succeeds in this field. It’s impossible!”
Witnesses say that once she realized this and to the dismay of the rest of the cast and crew, Hanley immediately stopped working on her senior film so that she could find an optimal spot for her actual future in panhandling.
“I know now that I’m pretty much gonna be jobless and homeless after graduation, so I needed to find the best money-making spot before anyone else,” said Hanley.
Passersby watched as she practiced her panhandling skills in front of various locations including Panera, Beck’s, and Whole Foods. But when she posted up outside of the Evanston library, she made a whopping $6 more than in any other location, likely thanks to the snobbish, yet slightly guilty upper-middle class parents checking out books with their cute elementary-age kids.
“It was a difficult spot to snatch,” said Hanley. “A creative writing grad from last year had been hanging out there, but I scared her off with my even bleaker outlook.” Since then, she’s been improving her panhandling skills, discovering the best ways to make people feel sorry she got a ridiculous degree for a fruitless dream.
Allegedly, she won’t be returning to make her senior film or attend her last classes. She probably won’t even go to graduation. “This is going to be my life, so I might as well get used to it now,” said Hanley after asking if she could have some spare change.