Bill O’Reilly to Release New Book in Wake of Allegations: Killing My Boner

open it up... see how deep the rabbit hole goes

Bill O’Reilly, former host of The O’Reilly Factor, defender of Christmas, and everyone’s favorite furious old white man announced Tuesday that he is releasing a new book titled Killing My Boner. “People have such a one-sided view of sexual assault,” O’Reilly explained. “Who ever stopped to think about my sex drive in all of this?”

O’Reilly has come under fire from multiple women for engaging in unwanted sexual advances, some alleging that he went as far as to send them gay pornography. O’Reilly has a different view. “I can’t believe how ungrateful women are. Does she realize I spent 8 hours compiling all my favorite man-on-man videos into one playlist for her?”

O’Reilly, evidently unaware of the irony of defending family values while sending pornography to coworkers, expounded on his views in Killing My Boner: “The female mind is a strange and perplexing object. One surefire way to seduce it is to show it what it likes most: men. And what’s better than one man? Two men. Doing it. On camera. In HD.”

Killing My Boner follows O’Reilly’s past bestsellers Killing Lincoln and Killing Kennedy, which O’Reilly stresses are “not, I repeat, not murder confessions.” However, there is one notable difference between Killing My Boner and O’Reilly’s past novels: the price. While most of O’Reilly’s novels are $19.99, Killing My Boner’s price was raised to $69.99. When asked for comment on the substantial price hike, O’Reilly mumbled something about million dollar lawsuits.

Shortly after publishing Killing My Boner, O’Reilly was fired from his nearly two-decade long post at Fox News for ‘unprofessional conduct.’ At the time of writing, O’Reilly announced plans for a new book, Killing My Career.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *