“This One’s for You Grandma” Says Grandson Snorting Line off Coffin
Last Tuesday’s solemn funeral services for beloved Enid Horowitz, aged 92, were abruptly disturbed by grandson and known fuck-up Blake, who stumbled to the front of the church to give an unsolicited eulogy.
Family and friends exchanged tense whispers as Blake, reeking of gin, shoved grandfather and widower Buddy Horowitz, age 90, out from behind of the pulpit and took off his blazer to reveal a sweater with an embroidered ‘B’ that Enid had once knit for him, which was his “fucking favorite.” He then produced a number of crumpled photographs from his pockets commemorating his and Enid’s annual trips to Atlantic City and attempted to distribute them to people in the pews.
The situation worsened, frightening those in attendance as Blake stumbled towards Enid’s coffin, knocking over chairs in a gin-fueled rush. “This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place. He then reportedly turned around, amid the cheers of his fraternity brothers, and screamed, “fuck y’all old bitches I’m never gonna die!”
Blake then knelt and said one final goodbye to Enid, tenderly holding her hand as he snorted another line of coke off the hardwood edge of her coffin. He was then forcibly removed from the premises by his father and Uncle Hubert, who were unable to quell his loud shriekings of ‘Ave Maria’. He was last seen swerving his Ford Fiesta out of the church parking lot, as onlookers could do nothing more than shake their heads say “fucking Blake.” Family members believe he may have been headed toward Yarn ‘N Things, a local haunt of Enid’s.
According to Enid’s eldest daughter, Judith Horowitz, 61, “It might not have been how she wanted to be remembered, but I know Blake is just trying his best. He dropped all four of his classes to prepare for the service after all.”
Horowitz was later seen trying to convince his grandfather to skip dialysis and try just a couple grams of psychedelic mushrooms, “to cope with the grief, bro.”