EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year.

“During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained.  “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure!  Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold.  It gets really cold in Chicago, right?  But after that for sure.”

Chad said that by the end of freshman year she hopes to eat dinner in Chicago at least once a month, go to four concerts, a play, three museums, explore Boystown, get her nose pierced and sneak onto the roof of a skyscraper at midnight.

“I’ve had a lot of work in my engineering classes, but I think I can learn to manage them enough to make some trips down to the city.  I mean, I have to go; I wrote about how awesome it would be to be so close to Chicago in my admissions essay!”

As of yesterday Chad was heard saying that she was still under the impression that the L ride down to the Loop would take “30 minutes, tops.”

In related news, Medill sophomore Brad Jansen said Tuesday that he, too, swears he’ll get around to going to Chicago to have some fun sometime in the next two and a half years.

Seriously, how can I get off this thing?  I’ve been getting these emails for like six months now ever since I put my name on some list at the events fair.  I’ve never even been to an Outing Club meeting.  I mean sure, rock climbing and kayaking sound great, but I just don’t have time for this stuff.  How can I take my name off the list?  I just don’t understand why I’m still on it.  Don’t they, like, go through it once in a while and get rid of the people who never show up or something?  I’m getting sick of deleting these emails.  I already get enough crap from the stuff I am involved in, I don’t need… Oh, great, here’s another one!  I don’t care about your exec board elections, I don’t even know who these people are!  Ugh, will someone please take me off this listserv??

EVANSTON – According to recent reports, Weinberg freshman Tony Gonzalez acquired a life-threatening illness just seconds after his bare foot made contact with the shower floor in his dorm Saturday night.

Gonzalez said he was wearing flip-flops in the shower but fatally took his foot out of one for a moment, accidentally stepping onto the shower floor.

“I was just trying to wash the bottom of my foot,” Gonzalez said.  “I took my foot out of my sandal just for a minute so I could wash it, but I lost my balance and stepped down.  I can’t believe that this is what’s going to cause my demise.”

Dozens of pus-filled boils reportedly sprang up on Gonzalez’s foot almost instantaneously and have now spread up his entire leg. 

“I’ve started to lose feeling in my leg,” Gonzalez says.  “Every time I take a step it feels really tingly, kind of like someone is stabbing me with a blade covered in hot sauce.” 

Doctors say the burning sensation will spead to the rest of Gonzalez’s body within 29 hours. He will perish soon thereafter. 

“Around thirteen similar cases are reported on college campuses every year,” said communicable disease specialist Julie Numan.  “We advise leaving feet unwashed or lifting a foot up with the flip-flop still on in case of a loss of balance.  Just don’t ever touch the side of the shower for support.”

[by Heartbeat0506]

OH. MY. GOD. I cannot BELIEVE what just happened tonight!!! Ok, so it was Halloween and I went trick-or-treating with Bruno, just the two of us!! Well, his dad walked behind us, but that doesn’t count. Anyway, he went as a knight and I dressed as a princess. It was sooooo romantic <3.

We went to so many houses and got, like, a TON of candy! Like seriously, 15 whole pounds, we weighed it. We spent the whole night together trick-or-treating, all the way til 10 p.m.!!! Then when we were walking back to his house our hands touched accidentally and HE HELD MY HAND. Can you believe it?!?!?!? For almost 10 whole minutes. OMG it was magical. We are SO going to get married : ))))

EVANSTON – Willard residents have decided to take drastic measures in order to retain their title as the “Greenest Dorm (With a Dining Hall) on Campus” from the Green Cup last year. Most notably, all Willardites will forgo showers for the entire month of February to win the prestigious title in 2011.

“Not showering for a whole month is really going to help secure our victory,” said Willard president Jackson Drapple. “Not to mention that it’s been proven that not taking showers really helps reduce global warming.” 

Drapple said that Willard is conserving energy in a variety of other ways as well, such as using outhouses instead of the bathrooms, refraining from washing hands, dishes or clothes, studying by crank light, and destroying the laptops of anyone found using the Internet. 

Some residents are going above and beyond and coming up with their own ways to save water and electricity.

“I’m going to poison all the food in the dining hall so that people who eat it get sick and don’t eat here anymore,” said Willard sophomore Melissa Auburn. “Then they’ll all go to Hinman and use up all their energy every day, not just on weekends when we’re closed.”

The Green Cup is expected to promote environmental awareness as well as a sense of school unity and friendly competition. 

“We really just want to make a difference in the environment,” Drapple said as noxious fumes radiated from his unwashed body. “Well, that, and prove to those obnoxious Elder people that we aren’t losers who never do anything fun! Not only does winning mean we get a whole brand new set of light bulbs for the building, but we get bragging rights for an entire year, and you just know everyone on campus is going to wish they were us. We’re going to crush them.”

EVANSTON — Evanston officials announced earlier today that an outdated law banning skipping anywhere in the city will be reinstated starting next month.

“Anyone found moving in a light, springy manner by bounding forward with alternate hops on each foot will be arrested,” said Jerry Murton, Evanston’s Division Manager of Building and Inspection Services, at a press conference. “Whether the perpetrator is seen skipping in a store, on the street or in their own home, whether they are 6 years old or 60, they must serve a mandatory 12-day prison sentence.”

Increased numbers of police officers will be stationed near parks and elementary schools starting March 1 to keep an eye on the most likely offenders.

“We’re aware that the law hasn’t been enforced in 87 years, but the incessant laughter from skipping hooligans is really starting to annoy older Evanston residents,” Murton said.

Five seconds after Murton’s announcement was made, other Evanston officials retracted the statements.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Evanston mayor Isabel Wisbale.  “We never said that.  I don’t know where you got the idea that we were going to reinforce the no skipping law.  Jerry Murton?  Oh, don’t worry about him, he doesn’t work here anymore.  I can assure you we’re not going to go out and search for skippers.  But if you were going to blatantly start skipping right in front of an officer. . . well, I would advice against it.”

EVANSTON—Inspectors from the US Food Safety and Inspection Service found traces of the MDMA, colloquially known as “ecstasy,” “E,” or “X,” in the hot cookie bar during a routine inspection of the 1835 Hinman dining hall this Sunday.  Dining hall employees were immediately taken into custody and questioned about the findings.

“All we wanted was to be the most popular dining hall on campus,” Linda Johnson, Hinman cookie-bar chef, said.  “You see, there’s a competition between all the dining halls to see who can get the most traffic each week.  All the workers at the losing dining hall have to do the winners’ laundry for the next week.  We just thought putting ecstasy in the cookies would bring in the students in droves and we wouldn’t have to do laundry.  We had no idea it would get so out of hand.”

After the discovery of the illegal drugs, the FSIS announced that the hot cookie bar would be shut down permanently.  As many as 500 students immediately began protesting outside of Hinman, setting up tents and marching with signs with slogans such as “Free HCB!” and “Give me cookie bar or give me death!”

“This is completely unacceptable,” said protester Jessica Henry, a Weinberg sophomore.  “I wait all week, every week for the hot cookie bar, and if I have to stop eating it cold-turkey there’s going to be hell to pay.  I’m already starting to feel anxious and irritable without it. I’m beginning to have difficulty breathing.”

School officials have announced intentions to begin facilitating hot cookie bar rehab centers on campus, but many students refuse to believe the hot cookie bar will really be discontinued.

When a Hinman employee opened the door to the dining hall to leave for the night, protesters rushed the door and forced their way into the dining hall, screaming, throwing chairs and waving pitchforks.  Somehow in the confusion of the riot one of the cookie bar ovens caught fire, quickly spreading to the rest of the building.  Rather than running from the flames however, many students remained behind, sniffing the fumes from the oven.  A body count has yet to be released.