EVANSTON – Last week, police were stunned at what they found at a Northwestern fraternity house when they happened upon a bag of marijuana and two pieces of drug paraphernalia. Police entered the house when a “faulty” smoke detector went off.

When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was “perplexed” by it all. He added, “It was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did not expect there to be drug paraphernalia at the address.”

The president of the guilty fraternity was unavailable for comment, but Jack Jones, the head of the Inter-Fraternity Council, spoke with the Flipside. “This is the first time in all of my years, that I have seen marijuana at a fraternity house. I would expect this kind of conduct from the sororities, but never a fraternity.” He continued, “we only let morally upstanding young gentlemen join our fraternities. This is an outrage, and it reflects poorly on the entire Greek community.”

Reaction in the stoner community has varied greatly from giggling fits to extreme hunger. As avid pot enthusiast Anita Bonghit notes “it’s just crazy, man, that they would like find marijuana there, man. I want some Cheetos, do you have any Cheetos?” she later asked.

As of press time, the fraternity in question seems to have patched things up with Evanston PD by baking dessert for all of the officers, including a batch of their “famous” homemade brownies.

MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team.

The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according to ESPN analyst Herman Edwards. “He can definitely build on this,” he added.

Upon hearing the rumor, Marshall was distraught. “It was like I was stabbed in the back, and then stabbed in the back again. I mean figuratively, of course; my wife actually stabbed me in the abdomen.”

Marshall has been a member of the Miami Dolphins for one season after being dismissed from the Denver Broncos. In Denver, he was known for cutting people in line and cutting out of practice early, to the chagrin of teammates. “Karma’s a bitch, I guess. That’s what happens when you cut corners,” said Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil.

As if his life couldn’t get any worse, Marshall revealed during his interview that he cut himself shaving this morning.

Take One: Joe Misulonas

10. Fred Armisen’s impersonation of Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live- Just because you speak with a staccato doesn’t make it a Barack Obama impersonation. Neither does dressing in blackface, which I had to learn the hard way.

9. Lebron James’ reputation- The only positive about the Cavaliers losing is that with every loss, more people begin to draw Hitler mustaches on Lebron James basketball cards.

8. Home Away’s Super Bowl Commercial- You might know this commercial better as “the one where they smashed the baby against a glass window!” Honestly, who’s the marketing genius who thought killing babies was a good way to sell vacation rentals?

7. “A Shore Thing” by Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi- I think this one’s pretty self-explanatory.

6. Tunisia’s timing- Right when it looked like Tunisia was about to get it’s 15 minutes of fame, Egypt just had to overshadow them. It’s like Tunisia just got suspended from school and came home to tell his parents, only to find out Big Brother Egypt got indicted for manslaughter.

5. Internet runs out of IP Addresses- Does this mean I have to forward my emails to a P.O. Box?

4. Facebook going down at Northwestern- Northwestern students finally knew how it felt to live in Somalia, where the consequence for poking someone is execution.

3. Sputnik- Isn’t it amazing that Sarah Palin can take one of the great technological milestones of the 20th Century and make it overrated? I wonder if we’ll look back on anything or anyone in 50 years and wonder, “What was all that hype about?”

2. Christina Aguilera- Her new movie “Burlesque” answered the question, “If we take a
horrible movie and throw in a couple of divas, do you think we can still get a Golden Globe Nomination?” Her performance of the Star-Spangled Banner answered the question, “Is it possible to forget the words of the National Anthem even if it’s your 10,000th time performing it live?”

1. The condition of Charlie Sheen’s liver- This is, of course, assuming Charlie Sheen still in fact HAS a liver.

Take Two: Alex Finkelstein (sports-related)

10. 2011-2012 Cavaliers: unless they get an amazing draft pick, like the next Lebron James or something, doesn’t seem like things are going to get any better.

9. The Bad News Bears: Before Billy Bob Thornton saved the day, the situation was just bad news (bears).

8. Charlie Sheen’s Life Coach: Some of the worst coaching in the history of coaching.

7. Golf without Tiger: Crickets and birds chirp in the background.

6. XFL, WFL, CFL, USFL: remember these? Nope, therefore they must have been bad.

5. Chicago Cubs: At least they have a Championship title, even if it was before WWI.

4. The New York Islanders: There is nothing worse than being irrelevant.

3. 2008 Detroit Lions: Lost every single football game they played in 2008 after going 4 and 0 in the preseason. Gotta save some for the real games next time.

2. 1962 Mets: The worst team ever in one of the most boring sports to watch.

1. Cleveland Browns and Indians: If it wasn’t clear already, Cleveland sucks at sports.

DOHA, QATAR – Students at Northwestern University in Qatar have been up in arms over the city’s claims that they will be stepping up enforcement of the infamous harem law. The harem law, which been on the books since the days of the sultans, prohibits a man from living with more than three wives in any building not specifically zoned to be a harem. Enforcement of the law has been lax, but due to a huge population boom in Doha, authorities are stepping things up.

Ahmed Shareef, the student government Emir, has filed grievances against the city of Doha. In the report, he argues that Ishmael, one of the fathers of the Islamic faith, was born to a concubine; thus, harems are a tradition that must be kept intact. He goes on to call harems “an essential part of the NU Qatar community.”

According to Assistant Dean of Student Affairs Debra Wood, students should obey the ordinance and not cause trouble. “This is a good opportunity to find housing in other nations and branch out a little bit.” She adds, “It’s not a problem that many more students will have to take camels to school.”

Although enforcement is not expected to take effect until next year, students and their wives are already looking for ways around the plan. One suggested course of action to all of the young sheiks is to not be legally marry one of their wives — if authorities start asking questions, students are advised to disguise their wives as cleaning staff.

After all of the bickering, the situation was finally brought to the attention of Dean John Margolis, who was busy on a fundraising trip in Dubai. He claims that he will do everything he can to support the students and end enforcement of the harem law, including bribing officials if necessary. “It should work” he said. “I mean, that’s how we won the World Cup bid for 2022.”

1. He got hit when he let loose his “Pimp Juice”
2. He wasn’t paying attention when the ump said “Batter Up”
3. It got a little rough when she went over to “My Place”
4. “Tip drill” gone bad
5. “Ridin’” with an Axe Murderer
6. Angry Redneck attacked him for correcting his “Country Grammar”
7. Cut himself opening the only copy sold of “Brass Knuckles”
8. To cover up the scuff mark when he was kicked in the face by some “Air Force Ones”
9. Got a little too close to her “Tail Feather”
10. Burnt himself testing out “Grillz”