One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right to choose when to terminate the wading process and start rowing during interscholastic crew races.

Although banners are usually reserved for accomplishments on the athletic field, the University was willing to make an exception in this special case. According to President Schapiro, “We are honored to commemorate the historic achievements of Justice Stevens in his time on the court. There is a lot to be said for doing well on the court that our athletic teams could definitely take to heart. Besides, it will be a nice change of pace from those women’s lacrosse banners. They just get old after a while.”

He then added, “The way Justice Stevens was able to provide the court with doses of conservatism liberally but yet conserve his liberalism even approaching the end of his tenure was extraordinary.”

Student reaction has been relatively ambivalent to the news. Said one engineering student, “John Stevens? Is he that kid in my mathematics class?”

According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security to stop all of those turban-wearing terrorists from boarding our planes.”

When asked what the effort would entail, chief of police Roger Brown answered that the primary addition would be coursework that would help “refine our prejudices and make sure our first impressions and stereotypes are up to modern standards. The stereotype of the immigrant fresh from the border holding a taco and wearing a sombrero is no longer accurate. Chimichangas and Yankee caps are now what’s chic for the illegal alien population.”

Officers from other states are even clamoring to sign up. Longtime citizen and self-professed American hero Chuck Smith from Alabama claims: “Racial profiling has been a hidden but essential component in American patriotism. I am happy to see that my deep-seated hate of people who don’t like Nascar and Mountain Dew has been correct all along. My services are needed here in the great state of Arizona. I look to further hone my illegal-alien-hatin’ skills and get ‘er done.”

When asked if the curriculum would comply with the 14th Amendment, an audible groan and a mumbled, “damn, forgot about that one” followed by an “I thought that only applied to slavery” was heard from the governor’s desk.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.