When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was “perplexed” by it all. He added, “It was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did not expect there to be drug paraphernalia at the address.”

The president of the guilty fraternity was unavailable for comment, but Jack Jones, the head of the Inter-Fraternity Council, spoke with the Flipside. “This is the first time in all of my years, that I have seen marijuana at a fraternity house. I would expect this kind of conduct from the sororities, but never a fraternity.” He continued, “we only let morally upstanding young gentlemen join our fraternities. This is an outrage, and it reflects poorly on the entire Greek community.”

Reaction in the stoner community has varied greatly from giggling fits to extreme hunger. As avid pot enthusiast Anita Bonghit notes “it’s just crazy, man, that they would like find marijuana there, man. I want some Cheetos, do you have any Cheetos?” she later asked.

As of press time, the fraternity in question seems to have patched things up with Evanston PD by baking dessert for all of the officers, including a batch of their “famous” homemade brownies.

The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according to ESPN analyst Herman Edwards. “He can definitely build on this,” he added.

Upon hearing the rumor, Marshall was distraught. “It was like I was stabbed in the back, and then stabbed in the back again. I mean figuratively, of course; my wife actually stabbed me in the abdomen.”

Marshall has been a member of the Miami Dolphins for one season after being dismissed from the Denver Broncos. In Denver, he was known for cutting people in line and cutting out of practice early, to the chagrin of teammates. “Karma’s a bitch, I guess. That’s what happens when you cut corners,” said Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil.

As if his life couldn’t get any worse, Marshall revealed during his interview that he cut himself shaving this morning.

10. Fred Armisen’s impersonation of Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live- Just because you speak with a staccato doesn’t make it a Barack Obama impersonation. Neither does dressing in blackface, which I had to learn the hard way.

9. Lebron James’ reputation- The only positive about the Cavaliers losing is that with every loss, more people begin to draw Hitler mustaches on Lebron James basketball cards.

8. Home Away’s Super Bowl Commercial- You might know this commercial better as “the one where they smashed the baby against a glass window!” Honestly, who’s the marketing genius who thought killing babies was a good way to sell vacation rentals?

7. “A Shore Thing” by Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi- I think this one’s pretty self-explanatory.

6. Tunisia’s timing- Right when it looked like Tunisia was about to get it’s 15 minutes of fame, Egypt just had to overshadow them. It’s like Tunisia just got suspended from school and came home to tell his parents, only to find out Big Brother Egypt got indicted for manslaughter.

5. Internet runs out of IP Addresses- Does this mean I have to forward my emails to a P.O. Box?

4. Facebook going down at Northwestern- Northwestern students finally knew how it felt to live in Somalia, where the consequence for poking someone is execution.

3. Sputnik- Isn’t it amazing that Sarah Palin can take one of the great technological milestones of the 20th Century and make it overrated? I wonder if we’ll look back on anything or anyone in 50 years and wonder, “What was all that hype about?”

2. Christina Aguilera- Her new movie “Burlesque” answered the question, “If we take a
horrible movie and throw in a couple of divas, do you think we can still get a Golden Globe Nomination?” Her performance of the Star-Spangled Banner answered the question, “Is it possible to forget the words of the National Anthem even if it’s your 10,000th time performing it live?”

1. The condition of Charlie Sheen’s liver- This is, of course, assuming Charlie Sheen still in fact HAS a liver.

Take Two: Alex Finkelstein (sports-related)

10. 2011-2012 Cavaliers: unless they get an amazing draft pick, like the next Lebron James or something, doesn’t seem like things are going to get any better.

9. The Bad News Bears: Before Billy Bob Thornton saved the day, the situation was just bad news (bears).

8. Charlie Sheen’s Life Coach: Some of the worst coaching in the history of coaching.

7. Golf without Tiger: Crickets and birds chirp in the background.

6. XFL, WFL, CFL, USFL: remember these? Nope, therefore they must have been bad.

5. Chicago Cubs: At least they have a Championship title, even if it was before WWI.

4. The New York Islanders: There is nothing worse than being irrelevant.

3. 2008 Detroit Lions: Lost every single football game they played in 2008 after going 4 and 0 in the preseason. Gotta save some for the real games next time.

2. 1962 Mets: The worst team ever in one of the most boring sports to watch.

1. Cleveland Browns and Indians: If it wasn’t clear already, Cleveland sucks at sports.

Ahmed Shareef, the student government Emir, has filed grievances against the city of Doha. In the report, he argues that Ishmael, one of the fathers of the Islamic faith, was born to a concubine; thus, harems are a tradition that must be kept intact. He goes on to call harems “an essential part of the NU Qatar community.”

According to Assistant Dean of Student Affairs Debra Wood, students should obey the ordinance and not cause trouble. “This is a good opportunity to find housing in other nations and branch out a little bit.” She adds, “It’s not a problem that many more students will have to take camels to school.”

Although enforcement is not expected to take effect until next year, students and their wives are already looking for ways around the plan. One suggested course of action to all of the young sheiks is to not be legally marry one of their wives — if authorities start asking questions, students are advised to disguise their wives as cleaning staff.

After all of the bickering, the situation was finally brought to the attention of Dean John Margolis, who was busy on a fundraising trip in Dubai. He claims that he will do everything he can to support the students and end enforcement of the harem law, including bribing officials if necessary. “It should work” he said. “I mean, that’s how we won the World Cup bid for 2022.”

One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right to choose when to terminate the wading process and start rowing during interscholastic crew races.

Although banners are usually reserved for accomplishments on the athletic field, the University was willing to make an exception in this special case. According to President Schapiro, “We are honored to commemorate the historic achievements of Justice Stevens in his time on the court. There is a lot to be said for doing well on the court that our athletic teams could definitely take to heart. Besides, it will be a nice change of pace from those women’s lacrosse banners. They just get old after a while.”

He then added, “The way Justice Stevens was able to provide the court with doses of conservatism liberally but yet conserve his liberalism even approaching the end of his tenure was extraordinary.”

Student reaction has been relatively ambivalent to the news. Said one engineering student, “John Stevens? Is he that kid in my mathematics class?”

According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security to stop all of those turban-wearing terrorists from boarding our planes.”

When asked what the effort would entail, chief of police Roger Brown answered that the primary addition would be coursework that would help “refine our prejudices and make sure our first impressions and stereotypes are up to modern standards. The stereotype of the immigrant fresh from the border holding a taco and wearing a sombrero is no longer accurate. Chimichangas and Yankee caps are now what’s chic for the illegal alien population.”

Officers from other states are even clamoring to sign up. Longtime citizen and self-professed American hero Chuck Smith from Alabama claims: “Racial profiling has been a hidden but essential component in American patriotism. I am happy to see that my deep-seated hate of people who don’t like Nascar and Mountain Dew has been correct all along. My services are needed here in the great state of Arizona. I look to further hone my illegal-alien-hatin’ skills and get ‘er done.”

When asked if the curriculum would comply with the 14th Amendment, an audible groan and a mumbled, “damn, forgot about that one” followed by an “I thought that only applied to slavery” was heard from the governor’s desk.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.

Former governor Blagojevich takes credit for helping Paterson to see the light. “I just told him about how well my ethics seminar went. I also talked about how despite contrary advice from my lawyers, I appeared on The Apprentice and I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here to boost my profile. There is no way I will be found guilty when my trial resumes”.

In a matter allegedly unrelated to the aforementioned corruption trial, Blagojevich denies charges of scalping tickets for his free ethics discussion.

Following in the footsteps of Blagojevich, a fine gubernatorial role model, Patterson jumped on the idea for his speaking tour about vision. According to Governor Paterson, “My ability to see all my obstacles clearly without stumbling along the way has enabled me to excel in my partial term as governor.” He added, “Once and a while things get a little touch and go, but I have an acute sensory system, so that has not been a problem.”

Governor Paterson has had his own set of troubles since taking office, including repeated allegations of extra-marital affairs, drug use, and other major indiscretions. When asked about this personal turmoil in his short time as governor and why he recently announced, after stubbornly defying President Obama for months, that he is not seeking election to a full term in office, he responded, “I have been blindsided by unforeseen circumstances.”

When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it “a no-brainer.” “We only had, like, two humans left anyway, so why not make the switch complete? I mean, Tracy McGrady (recently acquired from Houston) has been a cardboard-cut-out for like three years now and nobody has noticed. We have also been trotting out the corpse of what was once Eddy Curry without experiencing any drop-off in our overall production.”

Coach Mike D’Antoni agrees, adding that “Human players just bring too much drama. I wish we had done this with Stephon Marbury last season. A whole lot of trouble could have been avoided if we just paid for a simple mannequin and gave Steph some hush money”.

This move to reduce payroll is all part of a major effort to gain enough cap space to sign star free agent Lebron James in the summer of 2010. The New Jersey Nets started the salary cap-reducing trickery when they switched their team with a bunch of sixth graders from a Newark CYO league. The fact that they have won 5 games this year is extraordinary considering that they only have one player who can even reach the basket.

The response from Knicks fans to the deal has been mostly positive. According to one fan, “I see nothing wrong with this. We weren’t going to make the playoffs anyway; why not increase our chances of getting Lebron?”
The only possible drawback to the blockbuster deal is that the Knicks have given up the remaining three draft picks they had left until 2020.