EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name.

One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right to choose when to terminate the wading process and start rowing during interscholastic crew races.

Although banners are usually reserved for accomplishments on the athletic field, the University was willing to make an exception in this special case. According to President Schapiro, “We are honored to commemorate the historic achievements of Justice Stevens in his time on the court. There is a lot to be said for doing well on the court that our athletic teams could definitely take to heart. Besides, it will be a nice change of pace from those women’s lacrosse banners. They just get old after a while.”

He then added, “The way Justice Stevens was able to provide the court with doses of conservatism liberally but yet conserve his liberalism even approaching the end of his tenure was extraordinary.”

Student reaction has been relatively ambivalent to the news. Said one engineering student, “John Stevens? Is he that kid in my mathematics class?”

PHOENIX, ARIZONA—The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security to stop all of those turban-wearing terrorists from boarding our planes.”

When asked what the effort would entail, chief of police Roger Brown answered that the primary addition would be coursework that would help “refine our prejudices and make sure our first impressions and stereotypes are up to modern standards. The stereotype of the immigrant fresh from the border holding a taco and wearing a sombrero is no longer accurate. Chimichangas and Yankee caps are now what’s chic for the illegal alien population.”

Officers from other states are even clamoring to sign up. Longtime citizen and self-professed American hero Chuck Smith from Alabama claims: “Racial profiling has been a hidden but essential component in American patriotism. I am happy to see that my deep-seated hate of people who don’t like Nascar and Mountain Dew has been correct all along. My services are needed here in the great state of Arizona. I look to further hone my illegal-alien-hatin’ skills and get ‘er done.”

When asked if the curriculum would comply with the 14th Amendment, an audible groan and a mumbled, “damn, forgot about that one” followed by an “I thought that only applied to slavery” was heard from the governor’s desk.

PITTSBURGH—The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.

Evanston, IL- Prompted by the recent success of Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich’s talk about ethics at Northwestern University, New York governor David Paterson has decided to host a seminar about the importance of vision in government.

Former governor Blagojevich takes credit for helping Paterson to see the light. “I just told him about how well my ethics seminar went. I also talked about how despite contrary advice from my lawyers, I appeared on The Apprentice and I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here to boost my profile. There is no way I will be found guilty when my trial resumes”.

In a matter allegedly unrelated to the aforementioned corruption trial, Blagojevich denies charges of scalping tickets for his free ethics discussion.

Following in the footsteps of Blagojevich, a fine gubernatorial role model, Patterson jumped on the idea for his speaking tour about vision. According to Governor Paterson, “My ability to see all my obstacles clearly without stumbling along the way has enabled me to excel in my partial term as governor.” He added, “Once and a while things get a little touch and go, but I have an acute sensory system, so that has not been a problem.”

Governor Paterson has had his own set of troubles since taking office, including repeated allegations of extra-marital affairs, drug use, and other major indiscretions. When asked about this personal turmoil in his short time as governor and why he recently announced, after stubbornly defying President Obama for months, that he is not seeking election to a full term in office, he responded, “I have been blindsided by unforeseen circumstances.”

NEW YORK—In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll.

When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it “a no-brainer.” “We only had, like, two humans left anyway, so why not make the switch complete? I mean, Tracy McGrady (recently acquired from Houston) has been a cardboard-cut-out for like three years now and nobody has noticed. We have also been trotting out the corpse of what was once Eddy Curry without experiencing any drop-off in our overall production.”

Coach Mike D’Antoni agrees, adding that “Human players just bring too much drama. I wish we had done this with Stephon Marbury last season. A whole lot of trouble could have been avoided if we just paid for a simple mannequin and gave Steph some hush money”.

This move to reduce payroll is all part of a major effort to gain enough cap space to sign star free agent Lebron James in the summer of 2010. The New Jersey Nets started the salary cap-reducing trickery when they switched their team with a bunch of sixth graders from a Newark CYO league. The fact that they have won 5 games this year is extraordinary considering that they only have one player who can even reach the basket.

The response from Knicks fans to the deal has been mostly positive. According to one fan, “I see nothing wrong with this. We weren’t going to make the playoffs anyway; why not increase our chances of getting Lebron?”
The only possible drawback to the blockbuster deal is that the Knicks have given up the remaining three draft picks they had left until 2020.