PITTSBURGH—The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.

Evanston, IL- Prompted by the recent success of Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich’s talk about ethics at Northwestern University, New York governor David Paterson has decided to host a seminar about the importance of vision in government.

Former governor Blagojevich takes credit for helping Paterson to see the light. “I just told him about how well my ethics seminar went. I also talked about how despite contrary advice from my lawyers, I appeared on The Apprentice and I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here to boost my profile. There is no way I will be found guilty when my trial resumes”.

In a matter allegedly unrelated to the aforementioned corruption trial, Blagojevich denies charges of scalping tickets for his free ethics discussion.

Following in the footsteps of Blagojevich, a fine gubernatorial role model, Patterson jumped on the idea for his speaking tour about vision. According to Governor Paterson, “My ability to see all my obstacles clearly without stumbling along the way has enabled me to excel in my partial term as governor.” He added, “Once and a while things get a little touch and go, but I have an acute sensory system, so that has not been a problem.”

Governor Paterson has had his own set of troubles since taking office, including repeated allegations of extra-marital affairs, drug use, and other major indiscretions. When asked about this personal turmoil in his short time as governor and why he recently announced, after stubbornly defying President Obama for months, that he is not seeking election to a full term in office, he responded, “I have been blindsided by unforeseen circumstances.”

NEW YORK—In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll.

When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it “a no-brainer.” “We only had, like, two humans left anyway, so why not make the switch complete? I mean, Tracy McGrady (recently acquired from Houston) has been a cardboard-cut-out for like three years now and nobody has noticed. We have also been trotting out the corpse of what was once Eddy Curry without experiencing any drop-off in our overall production.”

Coach Mike D’Antoni agrees, adding that “Human players just bring too much drama. I wish we had done this with Stephon Marbury last season. A whole lot of trouble could have been avoided if we just paid for a simple mannequin and gave Steph some hush money”.

This move to reduce payroll is all part of a major effort to gain enough cap space to sign star free agent Lebron James in the summer of 2010. The New Jersey Nets started the salary cap-reducing trickery when they switched their team with a bunch of sixth graders from a Newark CYO league. The fact that they have won 5 games this year is extraordinary considering that they only have one player who can even reach the basket.

The response from Knicks fans to the deal has been mostly positive. According to one fan, “I see nothing wrong with this. We weren’t going to make the playoffs anyway; why not increase our chances of getting Lebron?”
The only possible drawback to the blockbuster deal is that the Knicks have given up the remaining three draft picks they had left until 2020.

EVANSTON—After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers.

The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of sonar communication was a student texting on a cell phone in the third row.

The plot of the show was so deep that no dolphin in their right mind would ever swim in waters of that depth. It seemed that there was no way to tell the porpoise of any of the action and the story was too difficult to wade in. Not to go overboard on the nautical measurement metaphors, but this show was leagues below what I expected. The main character was always sad; dolphins do not like to see dark drama, instead preferring light comedy such as the wildly imaginative sketch involving a seal with a beach ball on its nose.

Next time I go to a dolphin show, I think I will just stick with Sea World. Shamu and his dolphin friends have never failed to impress.

WASHINGTON—In a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare “gay or straight,” has now been automated and perfected.

From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, “It is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybody’s location on the sexual spectrum on a scale from ‘Elton John sipping an appletini’ to ‘Rambo’ by reading their aura.”

According to defense secretary Robert Gates, “This invention is just super-fab. It takes all the guesswork out of determining whether a soldier just has a great fashion sense or if that earring on the right side is sending a more pointed message.”

Despite this glowing review, the advent of Gaydar is not heralded in all sectors. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has filed a complaint with President Barack Obama to address this “blatant breach of privacy.” When asked for comment, the President replied, “We are in the middle of two wars, an economic crisis, and massive health care reform. I will handle this issue when the right time comes; please wait your turn.”

The leaking of the report has upset the intelligence community. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would like to remind the public that the official stance of the U.S. military is that “Gaydar does not exist, and whatever you do, do not ask or tell about this terrific and super-duper invention we may or may not have.”